today in the countryside it was hotter than a crotch. I stood alone upon a hill and all I did was watch. I mean tried to, or something.

women

I have to remember not to look at women too long.  They sure are beautiful though. 

everything's going my way

*loathsome snicker*

  So we all start seeing things after a while.  I went to the co-op and S was there checking out stuff, and I asked her how she was and wanted to wish her well, which I did.  Other the way we might have seen it, not so much a factor to figure out as a set of ideas somehow communicated with as much possibility as possible, so to speak.  I am looking forward to going to the free meal and then going to karate.

  I hope I am going to be feeling well enough for all that.  My energy level is set at tired, it seems like and so it goes, people find things to do, and money to inherit, and all of that, kind of keeping it as well as it could be, a sorry state of affairs, I would guess.

  Lori is coming over tomorrow to play music, so that is good.  I am sure there will be a bit of benefit in that, a rock thing taking over somehow, carrying away as possible as we any can, try to unite a group, find a task we can enjoy being part of, or it will all seem to be quite strange.

  It would be nice to go out and find a nice place to get stoned and watch the grass.  However, the worry over the gastric condition is really tempering my joy in about anything at all, because of the worry.  Yesterday was the day I was up until nine in the morning because I had run out of Seroquel.  So then the entire next day was fucked.

  I hope I will have more energy this afternoon, but maybe I’m just kind of burnt on guitar playing, but giving that a break won’t be much of a big deal.  I practiced a bit this morning, and that was fun.  So it goes, and we try to pick out patterns on the strings, and find a better band or a better group of friends, try to stay in good health, if only to make us all understand the issue, to have silence in the heart to hear the needs and wants of others.

  So I am going around town, writing down thoughts in little booklets, hoping to see her around as soon as possible, but also kind of tired of chasing her, I would guess, and why ….so there’s always the question of why things happen in the way that they do.  

  In the long and short of it, I’m happy for many reasons, thoughts of Japanese and Spanish, being able to read novels, karate, yoga, music…

sleepytime gorilla theatre

So baked I can barely think at all.  I was up all night last night because I had forgotten to renew my seroquel and was out.  So now I feel all messed up, in addition to the gastric issues.

  I keep coming back to that other idea we might have had, people getting together and putting together things that make more sense most of the time.  

  I so wish that comes out as something.  Perhaps I should stop taking the statin.  On the other hand, I am thinking of ....  I guess all I have to do today is karate, which will be something of a test.   People sit around and debate each other, come around and see each other again, and find some kind of sun shining around the corners, so it is good to be in the land of the living.  

  The typing of words one after another, none of them really making any sense.  The ideas, characters, doctrine, nervousness, and thinking of K looking back at me from her bicycle, and looking into my eyes.  “something inside you is feeling like I do, we’ve said all there is to say” and so it goes.  Putting my day down in words seems like a thing I can do to make myself concrete during the day.  Visions of J in the future (i hope)  and all of that wonderfulness coming and going.  A way to put things on party line and communicate somehow our line of being, of being calm in the short term, acting bored and breathing deeply during our moments of trial and other amenities.  

  I should go home and start reading Les Miserables again, or some other chapter of some book.  Hard to say, and the dull day goes on, shielding myself from the crowds here in the coffee shop.  So that is how it is, and we can hardly hope to do more.

  Last Wednesday at Bombs some lame jazz group was playing and S came in and started dancing, nice hat on, and then we all got somewhere, piling our ideas over ideas and seeing the whole bleak length of days.

  Nice weather today.

high class

true story:

So I went to an NA meeting in Philomath and my sponsor was there, I guess I liked him as a sponsor because it seems like he was quite a fighter, I mean, in the past.  So anyway it was get something for your sponsor day and I asked him what I could get for him and he laughed and said after a while, “I guess you could get me some high class prostitutes.” and laughed.  He runs a fence making company in town.  Honest guy now.  He made the fence between me and the neighbors.  That was an epic scene.

repetition

  So beyond that, not a lot happening.  Same old but more of everything except karate, which remains mind-knumbingly repetitive, not too exciting.  So beyond that if I could somehow have a good effect on the whole jihad thing, and general make more principles of good behavior, or somehow enable people to get more justice, I’d do it.  The current situation is waaaay fucked up.
  I'm watching season two of Fargo.  Great show.  Then there's Broad City about a couple of broads in the city, not able to take anything seriously, and then TPB, of course, and something else...so many good movies.  I should watch Carlito's Way again.
  And maybe some of those awesome japanese films directed by...forget his name.  Ozu.  Some good films..I can understand a few of the words....need to work on my Spanish too.
or speak it.
  Doing karate together must be somewhat similar to dancing together..... something I haven't experienced, but I understand it's done.  Togetherness is so important...for happiness.

minding my own business, getting baked

 As for now, the idea being, last night or the one before I was sitting in central park, 2am, minding my own business, getting baked, and this guy is walking up from downtown with two dogs, both off lease, one a pit bull, and they come at me, or one did, so I stood up and scared him off, and then the guy says something about how they’re nice, and I explain clearly that the problem is I’m getting disturbed, not anything else, and get upset, and then he’s saying something…..so the point being, he was just sizing me up, checking me out, maybe a gangster…but a very cool guy!  Latino, little mustache….. anyway, then I apologized for getting so upset…then he thought I was cool and I was like, “hey, where you going?” like we were friends already.  Karate can do that for you.  Somebody tries to throw a shock at you, and if you don’t get rattled they’re impressed and you’ve met a new friend…..maybe.  Depending on the person…but that’s one channel I have that others don’t maybe.  Sometimes people are just messing with you, one’s you’d rather not meet.

ivory tower

I remember going over to ward once...didn't really know the guy in college, that is to say, he was living there and Barrington previously, but the point being, I walked over to Ward from Barrington, and everybody had gone elsewhere to do something, I guess, and he was sitting there staring at a Mac Plus, I asked him what was going on and he was like, "they all took off, I'm trying to write this paper." like very matter of fact.  The dude knew a lot about music, good guitar player, I didn't really know at the time ....but ...but yeah a certain attitude and kind of the usual bullshit going on, while trying to get decent grades.

hsing-i

feeling better

Went into the emergency room..went to immediate care first, having issues with some kind of churning in the viscera.  So I got an x-ray and blood tests at the ER and they ruled a lot of things out, so if this keeps up I’ll be incapacitated, not dead, so that’s good to know.

  I have this feeling of things uncompleted, if I was to die, but I was trying to not think in that way, but such as it is, it looks like I’ll be okay, if I can get through this lonely Easter weekend.  Actually I skipped yoga and karate thursday cause of the gut issue, but John actually came over and we played a couple songs and had some coffee….good friends are good to have,  known the guy five years, five long years of fun: playing music and getting better at leads while I daydreamed of (insert pseudonym) …..so anyway, still too much free time, ….no self control on the weed…..need more money.  My bandmates are totally enthused with my awesome guitar playing (which is a result of a real special time I guess).  I mean, they are putting energy into the band so I can do less….suggesting a bunch of new songs, and John’s turning into a perfectionist, being more demanding of me, but that’s all great.  Learning new things.

Did a great recording today and uploaded it to Facebook.  Maybe we’ll go viral and get super popular overnight.  That would be a total drag.   It seems like I’ll always play music, but it’s not the only thing I do and I don't want to be famous for playing music, or really anything.  Some more friends would be good...if they're nice.  That is to say, I have some good friends, which is awesome, ...etc.


I'm more aware of things that I say that others might find strange, so that seems like progress to me.

I feel grateful

for being alive, and being able to enjoy the weather every day...so I hope these health worries go away.  I really have a lot of expectations for the future...a feeling that things may sort themselves out,..

Goldenhair

Lean out of the window,
  goldenhair,
for I heard you singing
  a merry air.

my book was closed,
  I read no more
watching the fire dance,
  on the floor.

I have left my book,
  I have left my room
for I heard you singing
  through the gloom.

singing and singing
  a merry air
lean out the window,
  goldenhair

 Maybe I’ll do a little karate before coming down to class, which will be when it is, but then there is the issue of the homeless dinner, and how that might fit in to what we know.  Okay, so one never really knows where to go, or what the issue might be, but the fact remains that there’s no issue that’s too short, for all that.

  I don’t seem much to talk about, but that being as it is, I cleaned out the fucking microwave and then did some vacuuming and something else…forget what it was, but keeping that place clean is going well enough.  

  So there you go.  Every interaction with her has been good, and yet I remain alone…so that’s what it might be, I suppose.

story

This is a little story sensei Graves told me at his 75th birthday party: we had driven down to go to it.  I asked him what's new and he looked a bit frustrated and then proceeded to tell me this story;
  He and another karate guy who quit long ago had gone up into some river on the inside stretch of Pacific coast in Canada...and they had come up to a waterfall and the engines were going full steam but the current was so strong that they were immobile....he had pictures.  That story could be interpreted a number of ways.

  I may as well go home and try to cook up the kale and collard greens that are slowly aging in the fridge.

Summit

1/20/16

  The gardening every day is really grounding me: the work every day seems like it will keep me from getting manic.....and maintenance...I'm committed to both.  If I get a woman she'll expect I can do shit and fix various appliances...it would be great to learn more about all these processes....

  But also I can protect her physically,  better than most...chicks love that.

  Felt a bit out of sorts yesterday because I hadn’t done any karate in a couple days, so I went through the forms in the garage, adding some yoga moves, or at least my stretching is better because of the yoga knowledge,…etc.

  So, at least I should take those two things seriously, as …

  But anyway, today I went out and did some weeding and then continued painting the bedroom wall…white primer …and over the purple that my ex-wife was painting just as she had to go into the mental hospital.

  But the deal beyond that is I’m learning more maintenance and gardening, and do all the cleaning, but that’s a way of paying back my mom for living there not paying rent.

  So, that’s super exciting. 

  So, seriously, the physical acts of gardening and maintenance, the tangible result, is really helping me keep my head together, because I can think what I did today, and will do tomorrow…..somehow sticking my hands in the mud and dirt, and taking care of plants, can be a lot of fun.

  Everyone seems to be getting older, everyone’s getting older.  I remember Alex asking me “how do you do that nothing going on thing?” ….maybe that’s my forte.  Seems normal to me….but really, things were live for a while during and before that Barrington squat, but how is that relevant to the here and now? It isn’t.  So, moving along, finally I’ve maybe been accepted as good, or realized as such, by a couple women, maybe more than a couple, around here.  Thanks for finally figuring that out.  But frankly, amazing women: I was completely unaware of their existence until I met Karen.  They’ve got a bond, and I’ve got some friends that I have a bond with, none of whom live in Corvallis.

  I wonder if my night walks from Nashville to Summit, mostly around April last year, pissed off any of the loser guys that there undoubtedly that think they have a harem of women because they're badass.  We can do better than that.  I read around about people that have lots of sex, and it seems like that would cheapen the experience... however it would probably make my stomach muscles stronger and burn off more calories.  my karate would be better...

  But I think I see something good in the future, but I worry about everyone every day..there's something in there, in the getting together of my Berkeley friends with Sarah and all those other beautiful women around here.  Can't do it alone.

  I gots to start eating better. 

    Reading about violence to women is upsetting…that’s for sure.  human trafficking and the like.. 

     I’m never going to buy a gun to protect myself.  That’s the karate way….That and endeavor to have a good feeling during reality (?)

relatives, including three sisters of my mom

me out in the trees!  Alsea area, with Mahogany, Reed, and a couple others.

album was late

"you want to know why the album was late?  We were waiting for whitey to get his fucking paper straight."

and then she was like....

"Stay the fuck away from my sister!"

I need an espresso machine that works.

thinks the salamanders had gone elsewhere, skip flagged down a semi and the octopi were too many to name.


"such a beautiful woman,"...he thought to himself....somehow got into more than she thought or something maybe who knows.

i'm nobody

I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you- Nobody- Too?!
Then there's a pair of us?
don't tell! they'd advertise, you know!

How dreary, to be somebody
how public, like a frog
to tell one's name, the livelong June
To an admiring Bog


-e dickinson

in winter too..

in winter too we traced the fields
and still felt summer joys
we sought our hips and felt no cold
cold never came to boys
the sloes appeared as choice as plumbs
When bitten by the frost
and crabs grew honey in the mouth
when apple time was past

we rolled in sunshine lumps of snow
and called them mighty men
and tired of pelting Bounaparte
we ran to slide agen
and ponds for glibbest ice we sought
with shouting and delight
and tasks of spelling all were left
to get by heart at night

and when it came- and round the fire
we sat- what joy was there
the kitten dancing round the cork
that dangled from a chair
while we our ...

-john clare

'prentice hand he made man, and then he made the lasses, ..

 So in the way people think of things, and how they react to circumstances, all of it very strange and in many ways tough, I suppose.  S was really trying to catch my attention and when I turned she smiled at me, like she decided I was okay.  So when that happens…means a lot.  So the fact of the matter, that E looked up at me from the keyboard after they said “one more!”.  Kind of emotional time for me, and that being where it is, we just don’t know the issues, how they came to be.  Maybe they have figured out how I became an subject of talk down in Berkeley.  It’s interesting how they could know anything about it, but Melanie saw Rebekah singing a song for me and looking happy (over the internet)  so that went over well.  Just finally after all this time, something was figured out to the positive, and how people can get along.

  So there is the plan somewhere, hard to implement at times because of the ways we get through, to find what we might be missing….a strange part and a strange ordeal, I would suppose.  So to get nervous about things, how those ideas might work, is a real light to the hope and ways we have known.

  So there’s not much to do today, or figure out that we would really know about.  Still, there’s something to it somewhere, some way through all of it.  Make the right choices and all that.

  The marijuana rationing is going okay, so that is what it is, and we can’t figure much out, get everything duly sorted somehow, and find maybe what we could elsewhere, become tired of the days and the weeks toward the world…we see and go through what we could, get an impression, get the sort we could figure out, go in the way we could, find the leadership issues, the hard ways of the world, the deal we can put together, and there is something there, and change we can figure it out, get through what we could, 
  Looking forward to growing some weed plants.

Big Outside

Watching big outside play their set of semi-reggae originals, nice to be there. nice to see nice people dancing around..  The walk down was nice too....kind of cold and a little rainy.  Lots of niceness all around, good to see.


Lake Isle of Innisfree

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree
and a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:
Nine bean rows I will have there, and a hive for the honey-bee;
and live alone in a bee-loud glade,

And I will have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow
dropping from the veils of morning with crickets
midnight a glimmer, purple glow

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore
where I stand on the roadway, or one pavement grey
the deep heart's core...-Yeats.

If you live in glass houses

don't throw stones. (?)


some personal issues have been redacted from the text

I am, you anxious one

I am, you anxious one.  Do you not hear me
rush to claim you with each eager sense?
Now my feelings have found wings, and, circling,
whitely fly about your countenance,
Here my spirit in its dress of stillness
stands before you-oh, do you not see?
In your glance does not my Maytime prayer
grow to ripeness as upon a tree?

Dreamer, it is I who am your dream,
But would you awake, I am your will,
and master of all splendor, and I grow
to a sphere, like stars poised high and still,
with time's singular city stretched below.
-rilke

rosy fingered dawn

Boy, I'm borderline depressed today....probably because there was not a lot on my schedule, but also that we don't seem to have any opportunities to play gigs coming up, and Lori's great and a good addition but she'll be gone for a week, but either way, the fact of the matter is that each day the weather is different, every day is different, and I seem to spend each day gardening for an hour and then going down to the beanery, where I talk to Gary and that's about it these days, and I'm sure there's a few reasons why my life seems so event-free.  That because of the incinerating environment of the Barrington phenomenon and where it put me, I guess....mainly in the mental hospital.  But anyway, you remember who came and visited you later when you are thinking back....Alex came alone, Pete came alone, looking depressed, and then the Ward house people showed up together: Zappa, Tiffany, Vince, Colin, I think.