Friday, December 18, 2015

sitting around the living room

I can imagine as within the realm of possibility, that me, John, Mary, and Sara could be sitting around in my living room, sitting on the couches, cooking something in the kitchen, playing songs, getting stoned, and just having good conversations where you're actually saying something.  Or going out and planting a bunch of vegetables, some kind of deal where people have a group of friends.  A lot of people actually live that way, as surprising as it may be.

I kind of wonder who's reading my blog.  I see it's getting viewed, but are those all bots, or my own hits, or what?

I wrote this quite a while ago: the idea that something happened in my old student co-op at Berkeley.  I tend to get hung up on this when I get manic, but I think I'm talking about good friends connected through experience or living in the same house, or listening to Public Enemy's "It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back" (that was big in 1989-90 in Berkeley).  There were great artists and musicians, mostly great musician friends, from whom I definitely learned a certain kind of sound.  But I guess the idea is: doesn't seem to be much happening with that.  Or any way to explain it: I guess life can get strange at times.  Or blame it on the Grateful Dead and Pink Floyd.

Here's a story I've been working on, currently only a fragment:
Joe and Frank were talking.  Joe was kind of doing a monologue, as was his tendency.

"What is man to do in the few days of his life? There are the relationships that form the basis of day-to-day reality, but there are the impressions received that seem to indicate some greater meaning or understanding, flashing of true knowledge, or at least a path that should be perceived, a path of thought perhaps, a thing so powerful in nature that the full recollection is difficult, the the memory of which is something absolutely fundamental and completely in line with reality as reality really happened, in every concrete sense of the word, and yet unlike your typical event, a sort of paradigm shift within the framework of consciousness that had no easy way of being explained to a third party by talking about whatever political or social thing might have been happening at the time. There are just things in life to which one ascribes a higher value of significance. Do you go out and have a checklist for what is important or valuable? Absolutely not. Everyone makes the most fundamental decisions about their life based on impressions and vague mental manifestations. One assumes that the direction that one feels is consistent with a productive direction, whether in the development of thought past the current paradigms to a better understanding, for what is lacking in the world is understanding, that is for sure.
It seems to me that I had pretty solid ideas at some level when I was young, or real passions to head in a certain direction, but the situation I was caught in was brought on by me, I suppose, but then like lighting a small fire or something, I was suddenly in a situation where I couldn't find a place to relax. I got the distinct impression that something was wanted out of me, that people were coming over that had something to do with the co-op that wanted me to stand up and explain myself or something, and in that situation I couldn't see what I could really have to say or why I would even give a shit about anything anyway. At that point in my life, I had no grand ideas to shower anybody with, and still don't have any. I wanted to play the guitar and do sketches or whatever, hang out, but there was no point at which I was going to have anything to say about anything going on with the stupid co-op, because that whole deal was not much of an issue anyway. Regarding that place, it was like, yeah, close the stupid thing down. The parties were getting to loud, the neighbors were bothered. Close it down.

At times the meanings or deeper significances of things are found out by impressions and the confluences of different thinkers combined within situations that may or may not have stresses involved, but the result of such spontaneously interacting thinking (a psychological wiki) can result in not really ideas as just ideas, but impressions and directions that leave their mark in a way that never leaves, that the impression is so strong that it sets the direction of thought from then on, although it may reside for years in the back of the minds of people present at the start of the impression. After such a solid and bullshit-free event, subsequent searchings and interactions may seem lacking or flawed or, for those that went through that impression, they may try to join groups that claim to be able to explain a good world view, but it will not work, because thinking back to that event, they know that there was something there that was more fundamental and heavier, and yet not based on any sort of dogma, a kind of connection of consciousness. There was an absolute and fundamental kind of is-ness connected to that time. I've seen nothing like it since, and I've had absolutely no ability to relate to anybody my own age other than, perhaps, the people that were around at that particular time, because, perhaps, of the shared understanding gained at that time, and a fundamental connection of consciousness established, although I haven't really even thought about it for years. It really was all about the establishment of a new paradigm. Where that paradigm could go, given the right conditions, is anybody's guess, and certainly if it did make any progress into the human consciousness, it would be gradual and subtle, but one can only hope: there is too much hate in the world, and suffering, and a real possibility that things may get worse. For me, it would seem, and for anyone, the only thing to do is to carry out the responsibilities of day to day life, try to live as decently as possible in relation to others, and hope that the progress of humanity will continue in a positive direction. To be anti-war is one thing, but are your actions contributing to greater harmony in the world? It's easy to be angry and protest something, but that's conflict too. I suppose conflict is inevitable, but in the long run hopefully some conflict can be prevented through an increase in cooperation.
The thing about the paradigm that  I experienced at the time was that it had no fundamental ideas associated with it at all. It wouldn't be any kind of doctrine. There would be no sort of philosophy or guidance, certainly nothing political or religious associated with it. It was just a curious sort of impression that landed with amazing force. I guess you would just say that whatever was talked about back then, it was the nature of reality. So it's going to be hard for anybody to go out with a banner and march down the street and be for or against "the nature of reality".
Was that just the "Those who know don't tell, those who tell don't know" thing, or something more?
Frank said, "Why are you asking me?  I was around at that time, with the cops around and closing the place down
and it didn't seem like a big deal.  Some stupid kids.  If there was such a big deal there, what is it to me?
Is there an angle here?  Is there some kind of product involved that I can invest in?  Is there any way to
make any money off of this garbage, or are you just wasting my time?"
"There is no money to be made.  You need to reject materialism Frank, sell your cars and stuff."
"Yeah, sure. Hey, your clothes are a little ragged.  Are you doing okay?  I can get you a job in the
"No, I'll be over at the bean plant for a while."
"Okay, Joe.  Take it easy.  I worry about you sometimes.  You really need to get your act together." be continued.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

The Song the Idiot Sings

They don’t bother about me.  They let me be.
They say, “Nothing can happen.”
That’s good.
Nothing can happen.  It all comes and wheels 
steadily around the Holy Ghost,
always around that same Ghost (you know)-
that’s good.

No, of course not, one mustn’t think any danger
could come in that way.
Of course the blood exists.
Blood is the heaviest.  Blood is heavy
Sometimes I think I’ve had too much.
(That’s good.)

Oh, isn’t that a wonderful ball!
round and red as nothing at all.
Good things that you created it.
But will it come if you call?

How strangely this whole thing behaves,
into each other driving, out of each other swimming,
friendly, a touch uncertain.

That’s good.

-Ranier Maria Rilke.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015


I was out over on downtown Corvallis trying to get a microphone fixed at the Fingerboard, and I saw Sharon across the street, looking agitated, from what I could tell, and I was trying to avoid her but thought I’d figure out what the problem was, I finally decided, and went across the street.  She was around the corner with a kid looking at a meter, and I looked and her and said “Sharon”, and she looked around and gave me a burning look like there was something agitating going on, or at least that’s the impression I got, and asked me if I had change for the meter, and gave me ten pennies, laid them out in her hand precisely, and then I made a big show of not touching her hand when we exchanged the coins.  I was going to comment on the clothes she wearing, and started to say something, and she said “don’t…” like she thought or guessed I was about to say something stupid or unnecessary given the circumstances, given whatever those were.  I can’t figure the whole thing out.  She’s always been great though.  That much is true.
-part of my forthcoming novel

Monday, December 07, 2015

change for the meter

I think it was down on second
she wanted some dimes for the meter
and counted out some even change
that is to say
there  was something resembling,
a hand with pennies laid out on it
adding up to a dime.
which are the same, as I
pointed out.