Thursday, March 31, 2016


  So beyond that, not a lot happening.  Same old but more of everything except karate, which remains mind-knumbingly repetitive, not too exciting.  So beyond that if I could somehow have a good effect on the whole jihad thing, and general make more principles of good behavior, or somehow enable people to get more justice, I’d do it.  The current situation is waaaay fucked up.
  I'm watching season two of Fargo.  Great show.  Then there's Broad City about a couple of broads in the city, not able to take anything seriously, and then TPB, of course, and something many good movies.  I should watch Carlito's Way again.
  And maybe some of those awesome japanese films directed by...forget his name.  Ozu.  Some good films..I can understand a few of the words....need to work on my Spanish too.
or speak it.
  Doing karate together must be somewhat similar to dancing together..... something I haven't experienced, but I understand it's done.  Togetherness is so important...for happiness.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

minding my own business, getting baked

 As for now, the idea being, last night or the one before I was sitting in central park, 2am, minding my own business, getting baked, and this guy is walking up from downtown with two dogs, both off lease, one a pit bull, and they come at me, or one did, so I stood up and scared him off, and then the guy says something about how they’re nice, and I explain clearly that the problem is I’m getting disturbed, not anything else, and get upset, and then he’s saying something… the point being, he was just sizing me up, checking me out, maybe a gangster…but a very cool guy!  Latino, little mustache….. anyway, then I apologized for getting so upset…then he thought I was cool and I was like, “hey, where you going?” like we were friends already.  Karate can do that for you.  Somebody tries to throw a shock at you, and if you don’t get rattled they’re impressed and you’ve met a new friend…..maybe.  Depending on the person…but that’s one channel I have that others don’t maybe.  Sometimes people are just messing with you, one’s you’d rather not meet.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

ivory tower

I remember going over to ward once...didn't really know the guy in college, that is to say, he was living there and Barrington previously, but the point being, I walked over to Ward from Barrington, and everybody had gone elsewhere to do something, I guess, and he was sitting there staring at a Mac Plus, I asked him what was going on and he was like, "they all took off, I'm trying to write this paper." like very matter of fact.  The dude knew a lot about music, good guitar player, I didn't really know at the time ....but ...but yeah a certain attitude and kind of the usual bullshit going on, while trying to get decent grades.

Monday, March 28, 2016


Saturday, March 26, 2016

feeling better

Went into the emergency room..went to immediate care first, having issues with some kind of churning in the viscera.  So I got an x-ray and blood tests at the ER and they ruled a lot of things out, so if this keeps up I’ll be incapacitated, not dead, so that’s good to know.
  I have this feeling of things uncompleted, if I was to die, but I was trying to not think in that way, but such as it is, it looks like I’ll be okay, if I can get through this lonely Easter weekend.  Actually I skipped yoga and karate thursday cause of the gut issue, but John actually came over and we played a couple songs and had some coffee….good friends are good to have,  known the guy five years, five long years of fun: playing music and getting better at leads while I daydreamed of (insert pseudonym) … anyway, still too much free time, ….no self control on the weed…..need more money.  My bandmates are totally enthused with my awesome guitar playing (which is a result of a real special time I guess).  I mean, they are putting energy into the band so I can do less….suggesting a bunch of new songs, and John’s turning into a perfectionist, being more demanding of me, but that’s all great.  Learning new things.

Did a great recording today and uploaded it to Facebook.  Maybe we’ll go viral and get super popular overnight.  That would be a total drag.   It seems like I’ll always play music, but it’s not the only thing I do and I don't want to be famous for playing music, or really anything.  Some more friends would be good...if they're nice.  That is to say, I have some good friends, which is awesome, ...etc.

I'm more aware of things that I say that others might find strange, so that seems like progress to me.

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

I feel grateful

for being alive, and being able to enjoy the weather every I hope these health worries go away.  I really have a lot of expectations for the future...a feeling that things may sort themselves out,..


Lean out of the window,
for I heard you singing
  a merry air.

my book was closed,
  I read no more
watching the fire dance,
  on the floor.

I have left my book,
  I have left my room
for I heard you singing
  through the gloom.

singing and singing
  a merry air
lean out the window,

 Maybe I’ll do a little karate before coming down to class, which will be when it is, but then there is the issue of the homeless dinner, and how that might fit in to what we know.  Okay, so one never really knows where to go, or what the issue might be, but the fact remains that there’s no issue that’s too short, for all that.
  I don’t seem much to talk about, but that being as it is, I cleaned out the fucking microwave and then did some vacuuming and something else…forget what it was, but keeping that place clean is going well enough.  
  So there you go.  Every interaction with her has been good, and yet I remain alone…so that’s what it might be, I suppose.

Sunday, March 20, 2016


This is a little story sensei Graves told me at his 75th birthday party: we had driven down to go to it.  I asked him what's new and he looked a bit frustrated and then proceeded to tell me this story;
  He and another karate guy who quit long ago had gone up into some river on the inside stretch of Pacific coast in Canada...and they had come up to a waterfall and the engines were going full steam but the current was so strong that they were immobile....he had pictures.  That story could be interpreted a number of ways.

  I may as well go home and try to cook up the kale and collard greens that are slowly aging in the fridge.



  The gardening every day is really grounding me: the work every day seems like it will keep me from getting manic.....and maintenance...I'm committed to both.  If I get a woman she'll expect I can do shit and fix various would be great to learn more about all these processes....

  But also I can protect her physically,  better than most...chicks love that.

  Felt a bit out of sorts yesterday because I hadn’t done any karate in a couple days, so I went through the forms in the garage, adding some yoga moves, or at least my stretching is better because of the yoga knowledge,…etc.
  So, at least I should take those two things seriously, as …
  But anyway, today I went out and did some weeding and then continued painting the bedroom wall…white primer …and over the purple that my ex-wife was painting just as she had to go into the mental hospital.
  But the deal beyond that is I’m learning more maintenance and gardening, and do all the cleaning, but that’s a way of paying back my mom for living there not paying rent.
  So, that’s super exciting. 
  So, seriously, the physical acts of gardening and maintenance, the tangible result, is really helping me keep my head together, because I can think what I did today, and will do tomorrow…..somehow sticking my hands in the mud and dirt, and taking care of plants, can be a lot of fun.
  Everyone seems to be getting older, everyone’s getting older.  I remember Alex asking me “how do you do that nothing going on thing?” ….maybe that’s my forte.  Seems normal to me….but really, things were live for a while during and before that Barrington squat, but how is that relevant to the here and now? It isn’t.  So, moving along, finally I’ve maybe been accepted as good, or realized as such, by a couple women, maybe more than a couple, around here.  Thanks for finally figuring that out.  But frankly, amazing women: I was completely unaware of their existence until I met Karen.  They’ve got a bond, and I’ve got some friends that I have a bond with, none of whom live in Corvallis.
  I wonder if my night walks from Nashville to Summit, mostly around April last year, pissed off any of the loser guys that there undoubtedly that think they have a harem of women because they're badass.  We can do better than that.  I read around about people that have lots of sex, and it seems like that would cheapen the experience... however it would probably make my stomach muscles stronger and burn off more calories.  my karate would be better...

  But I think I see something good in the future, but I worry about everyone every day..there's something in there, in the getting together of my Berkeley friends with Sarah and all those other beautiful women around here.  Can't do it alone.

  I gots to start eating better. 

    Reading about violence to women is upsetting…that’s for sure.  human trafficking and the like.. 
     I’m never going to buy a gun to protect myself.  That’s the karate way….That and endeavor to have a good feeling during reality (?)
relatives, including three sisters of my mom

me out in the trees!  Alsea area, with Mahogany, Reed, and a couple others.

Friday, March 18, 2016

album was late

"you want to know why the album was late?  We were waiting for whitey to get his fucking paper straight."

Thursday, March 17, 2016

and then she was like....

"Stay the fuck away from my sister!"

Tuesday, March 15, 2016

I need an espresso machine that works.

thinks the salamanders had gone elsewhere, skip flagged down a semi and the octopi were too many to name.

"such a beautiful woman,"...he thought to himself....somehow got into more than she thought or something maybe who knows.

Monday, March 14, 2016

i'm nobody

I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you- Nobody- Too?!
Then there's a pair of us?
don't tell! they'd advertise, you know!

How dreary, to be somebody
how public, like a frog
to tell one's name, the livelong June
To an admiring Bog

-e dickinson

Saturday, March 12, 2016

in winter too..

in winter too we traced the fields
and still felt summer joys
we sought our hips and felt no cold
cold never came to boys
the sloes appeared as choice as plumbs
When bitten by the frost
and crabs grew honey in the mouth
when apple time was past

we rolled in sunshine lumps of snow
and called them mighty men
and tired of pelting Bounaparte
we ran to slide agen
and ponds for glibbest ice we sought
with shouting and delight
and tasks of spelling all were left
to get by heart at night

and when it came- and round the fire
we sat- what joy was there
the kitten dancing round the cork
that dangled from a chair
while we our ...

-john clare

Tuesday, March 08, 2016

'prentice hand he made man, and then he made the lasses, ..

 So in the way people think of things, and how they react to circumstances, all of it very strange and in many ways tough, I suppose.  S was really trying to catch my attention and when I turned she smiled at me, like she decided I was okay.  So when that happens…means a lot.  So the fact of the matter, that E looked up at me from the keyboard after they said “one more!”.  Kind of emotional time for me, and that being where it is, we just don’t know the issues, how they came to be.  Maybe they have figured out how I became an subject of talk down in Berkeley.  It’s interesting how they could know anything about it, but Melanie saw Rebekah singing a song for me and looking happy (over the internet)  so that went over well.  Just finally after all this time, something was figured out to the positive, and how people can get along.
  So there is the plan somewhere, hard to implement at times because of the ways we get through, to find what we might be missing….a strange part and a strange ordeal, I would suppose.  So to get nervous about things, how those ideas might work, is a real light to the hope and ways we have known.
  So there’s not much to do today, or figure out that we would really know about.  Still, there’s something to it somewhere, some way through all of it.  Make the right choices and all that.

  The marijuana rationing is going okay, so that is what it is, and we can’t figure much out, get everything duly sorted somehow, and find maybe what we could elsewhere, become tired of the days and the weeks toward the world…we see and go through what we could, get an impression, get the sort we could figure out, go in the way we could, find the leadership issues, the hard ways of the world, the deal we can put together, and there is something there, and change we can figure it out, get through what we could, 
  Looking forward to growing some weed plants.

Monday, March 07, 2016

Big Outside

Watching big outside play their set of semi-reggae originals, nice to be there. nice to see nice people dancing around..  The walk down was nice too....kind of cold and a little rainy.  Lots of niceness all around, good to see.

Lake Isle of Innisfree

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree
and a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:
Nine bean rows I will have there, and a hive for the honey-bee;
and live alone in a bee-loud glade,

And I will have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow
dropping from the veils of morning with crickets
midnight a glimmer, purple glow

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore
where I stand on the roadway, or one pavement grey
the deep heart's core...-Yeats.

Friday, March 04, 2016

If you live in glass houses

don't throw stones. (?)

some personal issues have been redacted from the text