Sunday, February 21, 2016

I am, you anxious one

I am, you anxious one.  Do you not hear me
rush to claim you with each eager sense?
Now my feelings have found wings, and, circling,
whitely fly about your countenance,
Here my spirit in its dress of stillness
stands before you-oh, do you not see?
In your glance does not my Maytime prayer
grow to ripeness as upon a tree?

Dreamer, it is I who am your dream,
But would you awake, I am your will,
and master of all splendor, and I grow
to a sphere, like stars poised high and still,
with time's singular city stretched below.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

rosy fingered dawn

Boy, I'm borderline depressed today....probably because there was not a lot on my schedule, but also that we don't seem to have any opportunities to play gigs coming up, and Lori's great and a good addition but she'll be gone for a week, but either way, the fact of the matter is that each day the weather is different, every day is different, and I seem to spend each day gardening for an hour and then going down to the beanery, where I talk to Gary and that's about it these days, and I'm sure there's a few reasons why my life seems so event-free.  That because of the incinerating environment of the Barrington phenomenon and where it put me, I guess....mainly in the mental hospital.  But anyway, you remember who came and visited you later when you are thinking back....Alex came alone, Pete came alone, looking depressed, and then the Ward house people showed up together: Zappa, Tiffany, Vince, Colin, I think.

Friday, February 12, 2016


Lean out of the window,
I heard you singing
  A merry air.

My book was closed;
  I read no more,
Watching the fire dance
  On the floor.

I have left my book,
  I have left my room,
For I heard you singing
  Through the gloom.

Singing and singing
  A merry air,
Lean out of the window,

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Live each season

Live each season as it passes; breathe the air; drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influence of each.  Let them be your only diet, drink and botanical medicines.  Be blown on by all the winds.  Open all your pores and bathe in all the tides of nature, in all her streams and oceans, at all seasons.-Thoreau

wandering through the forest

So another day starting out, drinking espresso at the beanery, wondering and waiting, thinking what I might do, or not do, today.  I pulled some more grass out of the front, finding some flowers underneath starting to grow.  It’s good I started this gardening way back, because there are still things to do, and yet the problem being I don’t know how the watering is going to go.  So that’s a factor.    So apart from that, there’s not much going on.  More music practice, smoking a bit of weed, more music, karate, yoga.  Thursday I have yoga then karate, and the next day wake up feeling great, sore from the muscles and tendons that yoga seems to work out, and then the usual karate way of strengthening and alignment.  So that’s okay.  I seem to be writing here more for the benefit of people reading it, rather than thinking I am not going to be having anyone else reading this.
  Obviously I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t think I had anything to say.  As of now, things being what they are, not sure where to go with the propositions.  Maybe buy more dried fruit, go over to the north co-op in hopes of meeting somebody.  That’s pretty much a much used trope, going to the store mostly to check out the women, rather than being focused on actual food you want to buy, so that’s me, getting caught up in the stereotypical guy actions.  Maybe I should try hanging out in the parking lot and smoking cigarettes.
  I’ve been feeling pretty positive about life recently, partly because the music is going well, but also the hour a day of gardening or weeding or house maintenance makes me feel like I did something real or useful that day, a substantial thing, 

  I sure hope I don’t lose it again.  My family and friends don’t need that, that is for sure.  I got pretty depressed around August, realizing I messed things up again, but really I didn’t do anything beyond some inappropriate postings …but man I had some hard days.  I remember one day where I thought …who knows what, but I was at 7-11 and these super weird two guys were getting beer….who knows.  Sometimes this force comes down on me and I feel almost like I’m smelling the sulfurous fumes of the devil. But I just can’t say whether my feelings of fear were real or not.  A second opinion would be good.  In any case, I ended up in August with very little money, and got pretty depressed, and so I finally came up with the idea of continuing with yoga, so I did that.  It was time to get started with that…46 isn’t young, but I can do most everything due to the fact that I have done a lot of stretching over the years.

Tuesday, February 09, 2016

left handed monkey wrench

So here I am again at the beanery, wondering where things may go, ….. She must have been changing that around for my benefit, I sure hope, and she was smiling, so that is all good.  It seems to me that a big transformation can occur with the addition of a woman.  
  As for now, the world is not a bad place.  There’s no way I’m going down to the grateful dead jam again…that is to say, it was probably worth going last week because I got to see Jay Itsok do his thing with chord voicings and then Kevin or Keith, who could play some smoking jerry style notes….so it was worth going, but it really didn’t seem like a jam.  They sounded like a well rehearsed band.  Now if they just stopped playing china cat I’d be happy.  
  I’d be there every week if I lived in Eugene…

  So other than that, last night after I smoked a bit of weed I went deep into guitar playing, which often happens after I get stoned.  Mostly playing notes over JGB songs, but more variety than that, and then working on various songs.  I was sure happy I managed to lower the action on my Flinthill (made in China)….but there’s no way that should have happened.  In other words, it’s a cheap guitar, but I can get some good sounds out of it….and I put a pickup in it, which cost some money.  Still…. So beyond that, went jogging last night thinking my toe that I must have fractured on somebody’s knee was all better, but after jogging I realized putting that much strain on it wasn’t too good of an idea.  Anyway, in better shape than I’ve been in for a while, at least as far as karate is concerned.  Definitely the yoga helps, mainly with thinking about alignment and flexibility of course.
  It seems like yoga can turn into a way of life, a lot like karate....if you look at Krishnamacharya or Iyengar, it's clear it can be both healthy and good for the mind, and ...well, karate seems better for working out anger and other things within a class rather than going out and getting in fights.  So I often am so tired from karate that when I go out to see music afterwards I feel calm and tired, not likely to get angry.....not that I get angry a lot, ...need to work on that I guess.

  Incredible idiot that I was, I left my Yamaha acoustic by the side of the river....for some reason I thought i needed to get rid of it...well, I wasn't thinking too clearly.  That was a nice guitar.

Monday, February 08, 2016

All good things in all good time

I've been looking at my statistics for these blog, and I see the posts are getting read.  However, not sure if any of those are people I know..or they're just bots, or what.  No idea.  So leave a comment.

So we are happy to be in the situation we are in, and that is good.  I feel as if all this typing is finally getting me somewhere, increasing my facility with the written word.  On the other hand, I also need to get moving on the way to getting more learned with the new songs we are practicing as a group.  I think maybe I need to put an ad on corvallis noisemakers to solicit more people to join the band.  
  I went out and did more grass removal, which is quite a time consuming project.  I’ve been feeling better from the nausea, but there’s no telling how that will go.  It sure is a bit worrying that the issue goes on and on.  I never should drink alcohol again, because it’s a poison, for one thing, besides the issue with the ulcer, or diagnosed ulcer, and go from there.
   I kind of get bothered by all the time that has  passed since she made such an impression on me, but it’s partly my “fault” that I got delusional and manic, who knows why, but happiness about our interaction was always there, …why it lead to to my head issues I can’t say…..and besides that, it’s impossible for me to say if the impressions I got, particularly my feelings of fear, were real.  This last year I’d feel that way and then drive up to Nashville and walk up to Summit in the middle of the night….a very nice walk, and listening to those log trucks haul up the hill from Nashville was cool..and all the quiet, of course, and the rain.  So I don’t think those were bad experiences, definitely not, but the issue with fearfulness is not something that I know was real or not.  I mean, the feeling was real, but…. Anyway, another period of mania, posting people’s pictures on facebook that I never should have posted.    So I got a bit depressed around August when I stopped feeling manic…..there were really really bad moments in there too.  But anyway, I finally decided that I could take yoga and believe in doing that….definitely a good thing…with a good teacher.  So that and the karate are going well.  And music, and the gardening's become a thing I like doing a lot....and hour a day since December, mostly just weeding and other things.  I set up the makiwara in the garage, finally.

  In any case, everyone that’s anybody has me blocked on facebook, which is a good thing really.  The only way to go, talking to some people, is in person, and the temptation to look at their page was too much.  
  So today's a nice day.  Every day there's the weather to see and enjoy.

  Please leave some comments....

Sunday, February 07, 2016

nothing changes fast

So the deal is that I couldn’t get in to the bob marley thing, capacity crowd, and so I went home, but frankly I was tired anyway.  I had a bad day with the nausea thing, kind of made me not want to do much, but John came over and then we sat around, playing some music, having some fun, so it felt okay, that I didn’t spend all day alone, so that was a good way to find some way to get out of the loneliness.  I was hoping to see her at this event, but I also knew that these things always tend to be less fun than I imagined them to be.
  So that is okay.  I went out and excavated the far entrance, got rid of the leaves and looked at the branches, did more grass removal in the end of the house, and so it all looks good, so that is good.  I need to come up with a good drip line system for the watering in the next summer….  It might be possible to do that cheaply, but I don’t know.  Life’s hard to figure out at times, and we keep trying to find some good ways to get to know things.  I feel like she is the one I want to be with, but who can really say?  All of these things add up to something, but I spend many days lonely, and somewhat bored.  Still, I hope and have to keep trying with the music, get it figured out, figure out the direction and the intensities of things.  So there we go, never really knowing our destination but hoping for something good.  

  Other than that, I have a good time today enjoying the quiet ambience of the super bowl day, everybody home staring at their TV’s, and the streets quiet and the people figuring out their day, quietly, and staring into the world, kind of changing in a slow and fast way, and the problems of the day and the problems of social interaction and direction.  So the point being, the way being there, it’s okay, but at the same time, will I find somebody I can live with?  Maybe her, but that’s an assumption, I guess.  Best guess derived from how my impressions go with the interactions we have had, but nothing changes fast, especially to someone with two children.
   I was thinking about buying a Tacoma acoustic but can't afford it....My Flinthill is really good enough, and I can get some good sounds out of it.


Thursday, February 04, 2016

let down your long hair

  As for today, I will somehow manage to make it through all the hours of the day, kind of find a settling for that, a way to get peace and make things better, but who the heck knows.  In the end, we all become dust, make a strange coming together of the ways and means of our life….the changes coming and then gone, K who I have not seen in a long time, but the world is going on, changing, and we have issues trying to get things, to get on with things, find a way to let them settle, and in the end, we have a way of dealing.
  In the end, we fall if we have to, hopefully progress in a good and incremental way to the next ways of thinking or getting through, and remember to be grateful in the moment, change out lives out an be something more than I would have expected.  So that is something to keep in mind.  The strain of the lives of our selves, trying to get to goals and hopes that come up in the future.  

  So the colors come to me somehow, get a change or way of growing into a better way of being, a sort of connection being sought, a way of understanding being dealt and subject to a better way of things….never sure of the goals, subject to previous struggles, and axiomatic of some deeper truths.