Monday, February 08, 2016

All good things in all good time




I've been looking at my statistics for these blog, and I see the posts are getting read.  However, not sure if any of those are people I know..or they're just bots, or what.  No idea.  So leave a comment.


So we are happy to be in the situation we are in, and that is good.  I feel as if all this typing is finally getting me somewhere, increasing my facility with the written word.  On the other hand, I also need to get moving on the way to getting more learned with the new songs we are practicing as a group.  I think maybe I need to put an ad on corvallis noisemakers to solicit more people to join the band.  
  I went out and did more grass removal, which is quite a time consuming project.  I’ve been feeling better from the nausea, but there’s no telling how that will go.  It sure is a bit worrying that the issue goes on and on.  I never should drink alcohol again, because it’s a poison, for one thing, besides the issue with the ulcer, or diagnosed ulcer, and go from there.
   I kind of get bothered by all the time that has  passed since she made such an impression on me, but it’s partly my “fault” that I got delusional and manic, who knows why, but happiness about our interaction was always there, …why it lead to to my head issues I can’t say…..and besides that, it’s impossible for me to say if the impressions I got, particularly my feelings of fear, were real.  This last year I’d feel that way and then drive up to Nashville and walk up to Summit in the middle of the night….a very nice walk, and listening to those log trucks haul up the hill from Nashville was cool..and all the quiet, of course, and the rain.  So I don’t think those were bad experiences, definitely not, but the issue with fearfulness is not something that I know was real or not.  I mean, the feeling was real, but…. Anyway, another period of mania, posting people’s pictures on facebook that I never should have posted.    So I got a bit depressed around August when I stopped feeling manic…..there were really really bad moments in there too.  But anyway, I finally decided that I could take yoga and believe in doing that….definitely a good thing…with a good teacher.  So that and the karate are going well.  And music, and the gardening's become a thing I like doing a lot....and hour a day since December, mostly just weeding and other things.  I set up the makiwara in the garage, finally.

  In any case, everyone that’s anybody has me blocked on facebook, which is a good thing really.  The only way to go, talking to some people, is in person, and the temptation to look at their page was too much.  
  So today's a nice day.  Every day there's the weather to see and enjoy.

  Please leave some comments....

Sunday, February 07, 2016

nothing changes fast

So the deal is that I couldn’t get in to the bob marley thing, capacity crowd, and so I went home, but frankly I was tired anyway.  I had a bad day with the nausea thing, kind of made me not want to do much, but John came over and then we sat around, playing some music, having some fun, so it felt okay, that I didn’t spend all day alone, so that was a good way to find some way to get out of the loneliness.  I was hoping to see her at this event, but I also knew that these things always tend to be less fun than I imagined them to be.
  So that is okay.  I went out and excavated the far entrance, got rid of the leaves and looked at the branches, did more grass removal in the end of the house, and so it all looks good, so that is good.  I need to come up with a good drip line system for the watering in the next summer….  It might be possible to do that cheaply, but I don’t know.  Life’s hard to figure out at times, and we keep trying to find some good ways to get to know things.  I feel like she is the one I want to be with, but who can really say?  All of these things add up to something, but I spend many days lonely, and somewhat bored.  Still, I hope and have to keep trying with the music, get it figured out, figure out the direction and the intensities of things.  So there we go, never really knowing our destination but hoping for something good.  

  Other than that, I have a good time today enjoying the quiet ambience of the super bowl day, everybody home staring at their TV’s, and the streets quiet and the people figuring out their day, quietly, and staring into the world, kind of changing in a slow and fast way, and the problems of the day and the problems of social interaction and direction.  So the point being, the way being there, it’s okay, but at the same time, will I find somebody I can live with?  Maybe her, but that’s an assumption, I guess.  Best guess derived from how my impressions go with the interactions we have had, but nothing changes fast, especially to someone with two children.
   I was thinking about buying a Tacoma acoustic but can't afford it....My Flinthill is really good enough, and I can get some good sounds out of it.

  Man, I hope I don't miss another May day.  That would be super depressing.  I'm not going alone though.  That wouldn't work out well.

Thursday, February 04, 2016

let down your long hair

  As for today, I will somehow manage to make it through all the hours of the day, kind of find a settling for that, a way to get peace and make things better, but who the heck knows.  In the end, we all become dust, make a strange coming together of the ways and means of our life….the changes coming and then gone, K who I have not seen in a long time, but the world is going on, changing, and we have issues trying to get things, to get on with things, find a way to let them settle, and in the end, we have a way of dealing.
  In the end, we fall if we have to, hopefully progress in a good and incremental way to the next ways of thinking or getting through, and remember to be grateful in the moment, change out lives out an be something more than I would have expected.  So that is something to keep in mind.  The strain of the lives of our selves, trying to get to goals and hopes that come up in the future.  

  So the colors come to me somehow, get a change or way of growing into a better way of being, a sort of connection being sought, a way of understanding being dealt and subject to a better way of things….never sure of the goals, subject to previous struggles, and axiomatic of some deeper truths.

Sunday, January 31, 2016

The Queen of Hearts is always your best bet.




 It’s funny I have such a unique style to bring to the electric guitar, or acoustic, that it’s funny that nobody around this town, basically, has heard me play the electric the way I can… The years of practice are paying off.  Actually, I did it because it was fun, right from the beginning, and being in a band …well, the point was always to meet more people through music.  For years music for me was a completely solitary thing, and karate has always been more social, but apart from karate, music is pretty fundamental to who I am, I can tell when I’m relaxed and playing on to a melody.  I guess I wouldn’t want to give up either.
  It's also true that only recently have I been playing the electric so well.  I had years of practice playing a squire strat, but that was years ago......

Friday, January 29, 2016

a bit strange

 So things are a bit strange in that I woke up and got stoned, then it was raining so fucking hard that I had to put on rainpants, but now it has died down, sun through the clouds, literally.
  I went down to the jam in Eugene and didn’t have a really close idea of what it would turn out to be.  So apart from that, we hardly know what to hear…..all of the ideals are here and then gone.
  So people strain to figure out the way of things, and fail to do so, as the case may be.  
  So I got up, got stoned, and played a song or two before I left.  That was not so bad at all, a good time was had, and we all fling out the worst of ourselves, try to do the best we can, and then go from there.  People, or rather, everyone, is looking a bit older, and I don’t see any young people which is kind of depressing.
  On  the other hand, what exactly would make me happy?  I know as of now that I am a bit unsure of myself, and the body feels out of joint, so I should go home and do some karate, try to get aligned again.  

  All these things can make it hard as we go down the paths that seem right at the time.

  



  

Thursday, January 28, 2016

What is man to do in the few days o




Losing enthusiasm in the guitar playing....not sure why, but partially ..actually the guitar playing is going great.  I've developed a great style, and have more versatility.

now I just need money.  

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

down at the beanery



The point being, suffused somehow, in an aura of innocent romanticism,  of this beauty was more than he could bear, especially as he was a fan of women...who understands the predilections of the male mind?  He was feeling somewhat loathsome and sorry earlier in the day, having seen the sweat off a Heineken....and received a mechanism in the ....forgot my train of thought.

Monday, January 25, 2016

Life being what it is...

walked down to the local seven eleven for an ice cream bar.  Some things never change.  At Chateau in Berkeley I'd walk down to the one on Telegraph, get a pint of ice cream, eat it all, throw it in the closet....while playing guitar.   Man, I was inconsiderate in those days.

Friday, January 22, 2016

went down to harrison



 I had given up on that bar because of too many hassles, but also I quit drinking, but anyway, walked down...nice walk, ...the band wasn't really my style and I didn't want to drink, so I left, although I wanted to see Old Age and Wups, but they weren't on yet, or something.

OMG, no real human contact today IRL, other than various text messages, emails, and ..well, actually I did quite a bit.

recorded a couple songs.

Man did I feel baked out there.  I had smoked a bunch of weed and when I went out I could barely think.  So now I'm home smoking more...play some music too.

Life's good.

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

It's frozen pizza night

consuming a frozen pizza...for the eleven pm food.

Monday, January 18, 2016

what a great time..



what a great time I had yesterday jamming with all these luminaries of the local music scene,   So yeah, very nice to harmonize on a song.  That's all good.

In other news, ......I'm going to do very little tomorrow.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

"do you know any other people like yourself?"



in what sense?  Pretty baked, playing guitar...life's good.

i'm a multitasker, trying to smoke weed, drink coffee, and play guitar at the same time.

Saturday, January 16, 2016

Alex had been...



Alex had been riding out by himself over in Chinatown trying to find a sector for, we drifted over to North Beach...this was a while ago, when SF was still cool....so anyway I said that the thing about Diana is she's really beautiful which is actually the cool thing in a lot of ways.  Other than that, the fog spun over the ocean and surfers were still out there, around Sausalito, in the sand.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Who goes amid the green wood


Who goes amid the green wood
  With springtide all adorning her?
Who goes amid the merry green wood
  To make it merrier?

Who passes in the sunlight
  By ways that know the light footfall?
Who passes in the sweet sunlight
  With mien so virginal?

The ways of all the woodland
  Gleam with a soft and golden fire-
For whom does all the sunny woodland
  Carry so brave attire?

O, it is for my true love
  The woods their rich apparel wear-
O, it is for my own true love,
  That is so young and fair.

A poem from James Joyce, one of my favorite poets, along with Wordsworth, Dickinson, Whitman, Keats, Blake, Jeffers, .... Homer



I'm nobody! Who are you?
Are you- Nobody -Too?
then there's a pair of us
don't tell, they'd advertise- you know

How dreary, to be, Somebody!
How public, like a frog
to tell one's name the livelong June
to an admiring bog!
-emily dickinson.


Saturday, January 09, 2016

be here now




so you could be up in the woods and
also drink some good coffee....
the best of both worlds, or so I until
trekking back through the years
wondering about some cats.
wondering what's to eat
the lentil soup came out not so good
I'm off my game in the cooking department
and still eating quite an unhealthy diet
still unable to find time to translate Tanizaki....
probably not the worst thing in the world

"well alright you can sit over here", sharon seemed to say...

Wednesday, January 06, 2016

I Stood Tiptoe



I stood tiptoe upon a hill,
The air was cooling, and so very still,
That the sweet buds which with a modest pride
Pull droopingly, in slanted curve aside,
Their scantly leaved, and finely tapering stems,
Had not yet lost those starry diadems
Caught from the early sobbing of the morn.
The clouds were pure and white as flocks new shorn.
-Keats

On First Looking into Chapman's Homer

Much have I traveled in the realms of gold,
And many goodly states and kingdoms seen;
Round many western islands have I been
Which bards in fealty to Apollo hold.
Oft of one wide expanse had I been told
That deep-browed Homer ruled as his demesne;
Yet did I never breathe its pure serene
Till I heard Chapman speak out loud and bold;
Then felt I like some watcher of the skies
When a new plant swims into his ken;
Or like stout Cortez when with eagle eyes
He started at the Pacific-and all his men
Looked at each other with wild surmise-
Silent, upon a peak in Darien
-Keats

Friday, December 18, 2015

sitting around the living room




I can imagine as within the realm of possibility, that me, John, Mary, and Sara could be sitting around in my living room, sitting on the couches, cooking something in the kitchen, playing songs, getting stoned, and just having good conversations where you're actually saying something.  Or going out and planting a bunch of vegetables, some kind of deal where people have a group of friends.  A lot of people actually live that way, as surprising as it may be.


I kind of wonder who's reading my blog.  I see it's getting viewed, but are those all bots, or my own hits, or what?



I wrote this quite a while ago: the idea that something happened in my old student co-op at Berkeley.  I tend to get hung up on this when I get manic, but I think I'm talking about good friends connected through experience or living in the same house, or listening to Public Enemy's "It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back" (that was big in 1989-90 in Berkeley).  There were great artists and musicians, mostly great musician friends, from whom I definitely learned a certain kind of sound.  But I guess the idea is: doesn't seem to be much happening with that.  Or any way to explain it: I guess life can get strange at times.  Or blame it on the Grateful Dead and Pink Floyd.

Here's a story I've been working on, currently only a fragment:
Joe and Frank were talking.  Joe was kind of doing a monologue, as was his tendency.


"What is man to do in the few days of his life? There are the relationships that form the basis of day-to-day reality, but there are the impressions received that seem to indicate some greater meaning or understanding, flashing of true knowledge, or at least a path that should be perceived, a path of thought perhaps, a thing so powerful in nature that the full recollection is difficult, the the memory of which is something absolutely fundamental and completely in line with reality as reality really happened, in every concrete sense of the word, and yet unlike your typical event, a sort of paradigm shift within the framework of consciousness that had no easy way of being explained to a third party by talking about whatever political or social thing might have been happening at the time. There are just things in life to which one ascribes a higher value of significance. Do you go out and have a checklist for what is important or valuable? Absolutely not. Everyone makes the most fundamental decisions about their life based on impressions and vague mental manifestations. One assumes that the direction that one feels is consistent with a productive direction, whether in the development of thought past the current paradigms to a better understanding, for what is lacking in the world is understanding, that is for sure.
It seems to me that I had pretty solid ideas at some level when I was young, or real passions to head in a certain direction, but the situation I was caught in was brought on by me, I suppose, but then like lighting a small fire or something, I was suddenly in a situation where I couldn't find a place to relax. I got the distinct impression that something was wanted out of me, that people were coming over that had something to do with the co-op that wanted me to stand up and explain myself or something, and in that situation I couldn't see what I could really have to say or why I would even give a shit about anything anyway. At that point in my life, I had no grand ideas to shower anybody with, and still don't have any. I wanted to play the guitar and do sketches or whatever, hang out, but there was no point at which I was going to have anything to say about anything going on with the stupid co-op, because that whole deal was not much of an issue anyway. Regarding that place, it was like, yeah, close the stupid thing down. The parties were getting to loud, the neighbors were bothered. Close it down.

At times the meanings or deeper significances of things are found out by impressions and the confluences of different thinkers combined within situations that may or may not have stresses involved, but the result of such spontaneously interacting thinking (a psychological wiki) can result in not really ideas as just ideas, but impressions and directions that leave their mark in a way that never leaves, that the impression is so strong that it sets the direction of thought from then on, although it may reside for years in the back of the minds of people present at the start of the impression. After such a solid and bullshit-free event, subsequent searchings and interactions may seem lacking or flawed or, for those that went through that impression, they may try to join groups that claim to be able to explain a good world view, but it will not work, because thinking back to that event, they know that there was something there that was more fundamental and heavier, and yet not based on any sort of dogma, a kind of connection of consciousness. There was an absolute and fundamental kind of is-ness connected to that time. I've seen nothing like it since, and I've had absolutely no ability to relate to anybody my own age other than, perhaps, the people that were around at that particular time, because, perhaps, of the shared understanding gained at that time, and a fundamental connection of consciousness established, although I haven't really even thought about it for years. It really was all about the establishment of a new paradigm. Where that paradigm could go, given the right conditions, is anybody's guess, and certainly if it did make any progress into the human consciousness, it would be gradual and subtle, but one can only hope: there is too much hate in the world, and suffering, and a real possibility that things may get worse. For me, it would seem, and for anyone, the only thing to do is to carry out the responsibilities of day to day life, try to live as decently as possible in relation to others, and hope that the progress of humanity will continue in a positive direction. To be anti-war is one thing, but are your actions contributing to greater harmony in the world? It's easy to be angry and protest something, but that's conflict too. I suppose conflict is inevitable, but in the long run hopefully some conflict can be prevented through an increase in cooperation.
The thing about the paradigm that  I experienced at the time was that it had no fundamental ideas associated with it at all. It wouldn't be any kind of doctrine. There would be no sort of philosophy or guidance, certainly nothing political or religious associated with it. It was just a curious sort of impression that landed with amazing force. I guess you would just say that whatever was talked about back then, it was the nature of reality. So it's going to be hard for anybody to go out with a banner and march down the street and be for or against "the nature of reality".
Was that just the "Those who know don't tell, those who tell don't know" thing, or something more?
"
Frank said, "Why are you asking me?  I was around at that time, with the cops around and closing the place down
and it didn't seem like a big deal.  Some stupid kids.  If there was such a big deal there, what is it to me?
Is there an angle here?  Is there some kind of product involved that I can invest in?  Is there any way to
make any money off of this garbage, or are you just wasting my time?"
"There is no money to be made.  You need to reject materialism Frank, sell your cars and stuff."
"Yeah, sure. Hey, your clothes are a little ragged.  Are you doing okay?  I can get you a job in the
office.
"No, I'll be over at the bean plant for a while."
"Okay, Joe.  Take it easy.  I worry about you sometimes.  You really need to get your act together."
...to be continued.




Wednesday, December 16, 2015

The Song the Idiot Sings



They don’t bother about me.  They let me be.
They say, “Nothing can happen.”
That’s good.
Nothing can happen.  It all comes and wheels 
steadily around the Holy Ghost,
always around that same Ghost (you know)-
that’s good.

No, of course not, one mustn’t think any danger
could come in that way.
Of course the blood exists.
Blood is the heaviest.  Blood is heavy
Sometimes I think I’ve had too much.
(That’s good.)

Oh, isn’t that a wonderful ball!
round and red as nothing at all.
Good things that you created it.
But will it come if you call?

How strangely this whole thing behaves,
into each other driving, out of each other swimming,
friendly, a touch uncertain.

That’s good.

-Ranier Maria Rilke.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

change


I was out over on downtown Corvallis trying to get a microphone fixed at the Fingerboard, and I saw Sharon across the street, looking agitated, from what I could tell, and I was trying to avoid her but thought I’d figure out what the problem was, I finally decided, and went across the street.  She was around the corner with a kid looking at a meter, and I looked and her and said “Sharon”, and she looked around and gave me a burning look like there was something agitating going on, or at least that’s the impression I got, and asked me if I had change for the meter, and gave me ten pennies, laid them out in her hand precisely, and then I made a big show of not touching her hand when we exchanged the coins.  I was going to comment on the clothes she wearing, and started to say something, and she said “don’t…” like she thought or guessed I was about to say something stupid or unnecessary given the circumstances, given whatever those were.  I can’t figure the whole thing out.  She’s always been great though.  That much is true.
-part of my forthcoming novel

Monday, December 07, 2015

change for the meter




I think it was down on second
she wanted some dimes for the meter
and counted out some even change
that is to say
there  was something resembling,
a hand with pennies laid out on it
adding up to a dime.
which are the same, as I
pointed out.

Saturday, November 28, 2015

All in Green


all in green went my love riding
on a great horse of gold
into the silver dawn.

four lean hounds crouched low and smiling
the merry deer ran before.

Fleeter be they than dappled dreams
the swift sweet deer
the red rare deer.

Four red roebuck at a white water
the cruel bugle sang before.

Horn at hip went my love riding
riding the echo down
into the silver dawn.

four lean hounds crouched low and smiling
the level meadows ran before.
-ee cummings

Sunday, October 18, 2015

VI


Rose, you majesty-once, to the ancients
  you were
just a calyx with the simplest of rims.
But for us, you are the full, the numberless flower,
the inexhaustible countenance.

In your wealth you seem to be wearing
  gown upon gown
upon a body of nothing but light;
yet each separatae petal is at the same time
  the negation
of all clothing and the refusal of it.

Your fragrance has been calling its
  sweetest names
in our direction, for hundreds of years;
suddenly it hangs in the air like fame.

Even so, we have never know what to call
  it; we guess...
And memory is filled with it unawares
which we prayed for from hours that
  belong to us.
-Rilke, Sonnets to Orpheus

Thursday, October 08, 2015

Goldenhair



lean out of the window,
Goldenhair,
I heard you singing
a merry air.

My book was closed;
I read no more,
watching the fire dance
on the floor.

I have left my book,
I have left my room,
for I heard you singing
through the gloom.

singing and singing
a merry air,
lean out of the window,
Goldenhair.

-James Joyce, Chamber Music

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

setsubi

  Life is hard to find and once found is hard to do anything with, so a glimpse of people caught in a similar strain of circumstances is certainly a bit different.  In any case, it's that kind of tears that are still there to see that make you wonder if what you thought was true was so.  Every year we go through these manifestations and every year it's different but much the same as always.  So you wonder, you walk around on the pavement late at night, not paying attention to where you are going, spending more money than you have in the account, and thinking of one person somewhere in a building full of equipment.

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Sharon the mushroom girl




Sharon the mushroom girl
with a little parasol that's a big mushroom



got it up by the sky, waiting
for rain.

I was of two minds like
Sharon the mushroom girl
and her mushroom.

the blue parasol
near the sky, waiting