Tuesday, February 07, 2017

Back again

Here I am, back again to the blog that has kept me away for so long.  There's some joy to typing your thoughts out on paper, as banal as they might be.  My writing certainly needs a lot of work, and one way to test it is through this blog, and writing phrases such as "the quick fox jumped over the lazy dog".

  So anyway, I am spending too much on vaporizers, and I'm not sure what all that is doing to my lungs in any case, so that is something else to worry about.

  The weather is cold and not good for walking around, but that is what I'm doing anyway.  The idea being, to get out in the cold air between rounds of playing songs.   There's hope in the day, and the flowers are coming up out of the ground, so spring is not far off.

Friday, October 28, 2016

Back from a while off

I'm back from a while off of writing, and I'm still getting over getting my electric stolen from me and other shaking to be taking place and getting that to where it is tolerable is a way to get things done, it seems to me, and the maker of coal and the  maker of pearls.  So then what I was saying is that some of my writing is all backwards and forwards, but undeniably about the  So strange that I have to come up with these documents every day and figure out more memos to ad it to.  then I can be a media franchise.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Slow progress

I was in Janus house for about a week and a half and now and surviving at home for now with the help of my cat, NA meetings, free meals, playing music with John, mom, and of course karate and yoga and communicating with my yoga teacher and of course text messaging with friends and the facebook interaction doesn't hurt either, definitely learning slowly what proper internet etiquette is.  I hate when people I like block me.  Oh well.  It's not like I don't have anybody blocked, but they're usually people I flat out don't like, or if they're people around town, I might be just tired of them and their music.  It really depends, but that's life.  I'm smoking a lot and I have to have enough money on the 29th so I can go see the Big Outside reggae band at Squirrel's which is a local tavern.  Luckily I had some money on my Starbucks card so I could get in here and get a coffee.  And thank gosh I found my laptop again, a Macbook Air, which was a gift from my brother.  I have a 3400 dollar credit card bill I am not going to be able to pay.
  So I'm being transferred to a group home name Sequoia house, and it will be just what I need, some structure so I can start looking at volunteering, which will be at Habitat for Humanity, an outfit that constructs homes for low income people.  Carpentry is probably the way to go, at least as a practical skill.  Spanish is a practical skill, but I need skills to combine it with, and Japanese, which was my main focus in college, is definitely not a practical skill, especially around here, but that's what it is.  I liked studying it and translating literature in college, but I was living in a dream world.  My first job out of college was delivering pizzas at domino's .....

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Return from hiatus

I was in the mental hospital two weeks and then all this shit happened and then I was in a group home for a couple days so now I am home for a couple days and then hopefully will be transferred to another group home soon before I lose it  again, so that's the story.

  Other than that, the days are cloudier and the darker days of winter are definitely here.  Fall anyway.  So Halloween is coming up, but I won't make it that long if I have to stay in my house.  I'd rather go to the mental hospital than go back to Janus house right now.  So I'll go to a couple meetings, do some studying and some cleaning, and hopefully have dinner with mom.

Friday, July 08, 2016


how sweet the wood shades the hot summer hours
and stretches oer my head its sheltering green
as I recline mid grass and cooling flowers
and seeded stalks of blossoms that have been
sure tis a pleasure in such secret nooks
to muse on distant friends in memorys eye
or glance on passages in favourite books
whose thoughts like echoes to our own reply
or shades recall which substance long forsook
from the black nothingness of days gone bye
blessings of infant hope and loves young bliss
ah thus to think the thoughts of death is sweet
in shaping heaven to a scene like this
with loves and friends and feelings all to meet
...as I lazily sit and jam and smoke on the Summit grass....

Saturday, June 25, 2016

foul mood

Boy I’m in a foul mood today, and kind of out of it as well.  Not sure where this is going or what to do about it, much.  There’s a feeling that I am hard to figure out, that there is absolutely nothing going on that is of interest whatsoever.  I went out and bought some more mushrooms and the kind of went out and failed myself somehow, kind of a dark mechanism to get through.
  A couple of new people were there at karate…..so, none of it makes sense, but there it is, and not much to do with it.  As of what we’re doing now, I just don’t know.  Lots of things get in the way, lots of things are forgiven or known.  So all the people talking too loud, all the people giving me smiles, adds up to still me being absolutely alone in my house.  Things will work out for me though.  I think I can sort it out, or if I can’t it amounts to the same amount in either case.  So that was what it is, and we keep in the swing of things, hardly knowing just where the sorting of ourselves, and all of it is sorted out somewhere, all of it is a flow from one thing to the next, a sort of idea we all feel and go through.  There has to be some kind of working out of projects, or a better sort of understanding that we can all feel.  I feel a constant need to see more than I do, to feel all of the forms and ways we can get through, and feel some sort of peace.  The words type on, and finally all we see is where that goes to, what I can go to, what I can do, and none of it makes a whole lot of sense really.  There has to be a sense of moderation these days, or an idea that most of it can work out somewhere, get us up and out of our ideas and mechanisms for self improvement.  Lots of things are there, hardly any can actually make a difference with us, and kind of way to sort through what we know, a kind of depression or set of ideas that come to be or for us to have an idea of.
  So that’s what it is, and that’s the direction we go in, or what we do.  There has to be some sort of ideal somewhere, some sort of change that makes sense for us, a kind of easy way to type and see through what we know.  If only, I had an easy way to sort through the dross and get a less depressed mechanism to find my way through the world.

  Michael Kalmbach gives me a thumbs up when I started talking about Melanie.  There has to be a way to sort it out, to do all of it, to make it worth the while and through the doors to a better way.  Why do I have these women on my mind so much?  It almost (but not really) seems like it would be better to not know them at all, because then I wouldn’t have the sense that I’m missing out.  I need to enjoy every day for what it is…..

Monday, June 20, 2016


So here we are again, writing about the events of yesterday, and thinking of Cindy Morgan how nice it was to meet and hang out with her.  I managed to meet a few people at the event.  Gordon and I jammed and she came out and shared her weed with us, and then met Jeff Norman, who makes instruments, so there was a lot of possible ways to enjoy things, and the people playing volleyball were possible to deal with, although coming up there alone would have been very difficult.

Friday, June 10, 2016

home maintenance and yardwork.

How's your day going?  I went to an n.a. meeting ...going to go home and mow the lawn.  Funny, after that karate class we did up in Summit, I was talking about needing to go home to mow the lawn, and Shanti gives me a little smile and says something about going home to mow her own lawn.  Funny.  I think everybody liked the class.

Monday, June 06, 2016

nothing to write about

I haven't felt like sharing anything personal.  Actually there might be a thing or two.  It's funny how certain events turn out to be not as fun as you thought they might be.  Going out to see Space Neighbors at Tyee was a drag.  I didn't like the place, and there weren't many people to support the band.  Much different than their enthusiastic show at the Avery Park space.  They aren't much of a band in that Nick Rivard and Navarro aren't the greatest, and the outer space and silliness and semi-funky funk aren't much really.
  Too bad you can't hear Melanie sing.  That's a shame.  So anyway, I got out of Tyee fast.

  Then there was the Bombs show.  Melanie was funny with her guest list thing.  I wonder if that was a joke or she was just messing with me to be funny, or another possibility, it had nothing to do with me.
  So that's what it is.  Enjoy life for now, not what might happen down the road, but it happened with Karen, why not again?  Maybe a different life than I've really experienced thus far, although I have had a lot of good times in my life.

Saturday, May 28, 2016


Someone was telling a story about how they're carrying around cigarettes.....

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Low Kindred Stump

Low Kindred Stump
  -by Chris Farrell

  I’m still thinking about that downed power line and watching Melanie do her feet rubbing and stretching before the show, getting ready, doing yoga moves whether she knows it or not.  or the ones that didn’t treat her right or think they own her.  It was so cool since seeing her play music at the Mayan New Year, and all of the other events since then.  I guess you notice that she did stay in town in the long run, that is, she’s still here.  So we all move somehow, a more descriptive way to sort things out.
   I saw Sean Penn at Fred Meyer last night.  Then there was the Latino guy who gave me a long stare going in to the 7-11, and then I was standing in front of, and finally asked him how it was going, since he wasn’t really saying much, and felt guilty for Juan, as I usually do, or I didn’t ask him to do anything or even talk to him, but still, so there it is.  Not supposed to feel guilty but I did.  Plus I never went to his memorial, which was big.  So that’s not too good.  On the bright side, to keep on the sunny side of life: Melanie and her voice and songs.  I think she’s changed too, beyond getting to know me nonverbally mostly.  “ how y’all keep it real and not fake the funk?” “those B&W kitties are hella cool”  (hella is a Berkeley word, ..or it was then) and then I’m not making fun of her weight, because that worries me, if the truth is going to be out there.  She looks like she lost a bit of weight though, and a lot of weight is muscle in those colossal thighs, so that’s not a bad thing there.  So time to leave the bad behind, and I don’t mean african-americans.  Not a bad thing there, but how does each person treat the woman?  Nothing else to see here.  She’ll have to meet my black friends.


Monday, May 16, 2016

he doesn't use the internet

he figures the women will be around
his physical surroundings if they
want to be around him.

Saturday, May 14, 2016


who lives where beggars rarly speed?
and leads a humdrum life indeed
as none beside herself would lead
my mary
Who lives where noises never cease?
and what wi’ hogs and ducks and geese
can never have a minutes peace
my mary
who nearly battl’d to her chin
bangs down the yard thro thick and thin?
nor picks a road nor cares a pin
my mary

who (save in sunday bib and tuck)
goes daily (waddling like a duck)
oer head and ears in grease and muck
my mary

who used to pattins or to clogs
Who takes the swill to serve the hogs?
And steals the milk for cats and dogs
My Mary

Who frost and Snow as hard as nails
Stands out o' doors and never fails
To wash up things and scour the pails
My Mary

Who bussles night and day in short
At all catch jobs of every sort
And gains her mistress' favor for't
My Mary

And who is oft repaid wi parise?
In doing what her mistress says
And yielding to her wimmy ways
My Mary

For theres non apter I believe
At 'creeping up a Mistress' sleve'
Then this low kindred stump of Eve
My Mary

Who when the baby's all besh-t
To please its mamma kisses it?
And vows no Rose on earths so sweet
My Mary

But when her mistress isn't nigh
who wears and wishes it would die
and pinches it to make it cry
my mary

Oh rank deceit! what sould could think
But gentrly there revealing ink
at faults of this this friend must wink
My Mary

Who, not without a 'spark o' pride'
Tho strong as Grunters bristly hide
does keep her hair in paper's typd
my mary

and mimicking the Gentry's way
who strives to speak as fine as they?
and minds but every word they say
My Mary

And who (tho's well bid blind to seey stuff?
as her to tell ye A from B
things herself none o low degree?
my mary

who prates and runes oer still

...to be continued

talked to now deceased Valerie Tate for a week year before last on skype and she made me see nothing was really happening...thanks, I owe you for that, too bad it's too late to ever see the person ...such a great person and intelligence ....such a great perception.  Oh well.  I'd say a face from the past, but we never actually met outside of skype.

Monday, April 18, 2016

"nothing going on"

Old friend Alex asked me a while ago how I can do that "nothing happening" thing I do all the time.  I guess it is a thing I do.  It's a special quality that I have partly through karate and it's way of seeing things.  Karate is really good at not speaking instead of saying something, and that changes things, somehow.

It's because pieces need to come back together before I might have things happening, like with a group of friends: and I think particularly of how much my Oregon friends would like my friends from Berkeley, if they were to meet.  I can guarantee there'd be some frisky dancing, some Hendrix, a bit of Pink Floyd, and delve into the deep meaning ....I mean, get high and play some music.

I mean, I have things happening...karate, music, but ....I see why I had to get out of the Berkeley scene..... no place, etc.

But given that I might have been talked about a bit, so what?  What good is that doing me now?

On the other hand, things aren't so bad.  You could say that karate and family support got me to where I am today

Sunday, April 17, 2016


 The big good thought from yesterday is going by once and then coming back and turning around to look at a guitarist, and then I looked back and she was talking to a customer, but she suddenly looked happy, looked happy about how drawn in I was to the music.  So that image was with me the entire rest of the day, helping and putting energy into my guitar playing…..I mean the happy little image energized me.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

today in the countryside it was hotter than a crotch. I stood alone upon a hill and all I did was watch. I mean tried to, or something.

  So here we are again, and we all kind of get ahead from time to time, still kind of keeping a vigil somewhere.  The sun was nice today and there were a lot of weeds pulled.  The best thing is that I seem to feel a bit better today, and had no problem with the effort of the weed pulling.
  Then I figured out the guitar was not working, and so that was a drag.  And so for as far as we can see, we have good chances and prospects and hopes for the future.  And the day goes on.  The rough hands will impress her a bit, or it will be what she wants to see.  Anyway, other than that, just the usual frustration and aimlessness, and defeat, somehow.  So that comes out in some way, we figure out the best we can what we have to make and get from, I guess.
  Other than that, I feel a bit downtrodden about the whole deal, and go on and figure things out as soon as possible.  In general, one never knows and doesn’t go outside of what one sees.  And then you go on and figure out the way we all go or where or what we could do and make or find in our hearts.

  So then all of it was somehow brought about, slept through, changed, organized, and they know we are really good players, and that we could get it all arranged and set up.  Patience is really the key to things, with moderation and strains getting through all of what we had thought of.
  So that being what it is, I still have issues with my car, so maybe I should get that straightened out.  So there it is, so many maintenance issues and differing lengths of things, and bizarre people seen here and there.  And so they all go, slowing down the sound, getting into a more sure position, and getting all our elements in line or in a more strange deal.

  So the deal is, we all strive for more than we could get, and go from there.  So it is all thought of, all derived from somewhere, I would guess.  It seems like Gordon’s little place near the river is one little slice of heaven, I guess. One things I’ve never done is swim in those with friends and girls.  Maybe in the future.  Group situations freak me out quite often.  Lets just say it makes me uneasy just to think about it.  Maybe in the future my mindset will be different.  It would be nice to have friends to relax around, my old ones from Berkeley and the friends here.  A lot of good music could happen....and probably quality marijuana....no seriously, time to be serious about life.

I sure wouldn’t mind seeing a naked female body though, that’s for sure.  So that is what it is, and we go through strenuous battles to get through and make all of it an issue somehow.  So there you go, and we all can appreciate most of this, I would guess.  It’s nice to have Nancy as a new friend too, that is for sure.  It's a drag I never see Karen too.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016


I have to remember not to look at women too long.  They sure are beautiful though. 

Monday, April 11, 2016

everything's going my way

except for this physical ailment, which has me worried.

Gordon Lee's place, past Blogette on old Blogette road, was really cool,  quite magical like Summit, but he's in a really nice spot, kind of a low valley with the tumtum river right next to him, frogs, supposedly a swimming hole, but he's not gay as far as I know, but anyway, it sounded nice.  We sat and played a couple songs and smoked his skinny little well rolled joints.  It's so great to be out there when I can.  Maybe next time we can get some chicks out there too.

He's a talented musician.  He'd be great in our band, but anyway him and me can work on some songs.

I bought a 600 dollar Taylor acoustic/electric.  I am sure I'll have chances to play, and I need at least a pretty good instrument, considering how great of a guitar player I am.  Or better than some, I guess.  But who cares...?

Tuesday, April 05, 2016

*loathsome snicker*

  So we all start seeing things after a while.  I went to the co-op and S was there checking out stuff, and I asked her how she was and wanted to wish her well, which I did.  Other the way we might have seen it, not so much a factor to figure out as a set of ideas somehow communicated with as much possibility as possible, so to speak.  I am looking forward to going to the free meal and then going to karate.
  I hope I am going to be feeling well enough for all that.  My energy level is set at tired, it seems like and so it goes, people find things to do, and money to inherit, and all of that, kind of keeping it as well as it could be, a sorry state of affairs, I would guess.
  Lori is coming over tomorrow to play music, so that is good.  I am sure there will be a bit of benefit in that, a rock thing taking over somehow, carrying away as possible as we any can, try to unite a group, find a task we can enjoy being part of, or it will all seem to be quite strange.

  It would be nice to go out and find a nice place to get stoned and watch the grass.  However, the worry over the gastric condition is really tempering my joy in about anything at all, because of the worry.  Yesterday was the day I was up until nine in the morning because I had run out of Seroquel.  So then the entire next day was fucked.
  I hope I will have more energy this afternoon, but maybe I’m just kind of burnt on guitar playing, but giving that a break won’t be much of a big deal.  I practiced a bit this morning, and that was fun.  So it goes, and we try to pick out patterns on the strings, and find a better band or a better group of friends, try to stay in good health, if only to make us all understand the issue, to have silence in the heart to hear the needs and wants of others.
  So I am going around town, writing down thoughts in little booklets, hoping to see her around as soon as possible, but also kind of tired of chasing her, I would guess, and why ….so there’s always the question of why things happen in the way that they do.  

  In the long and short of it, I’m happy for many reasons, thoughts of Japanese and Spanish, being able to read novels, karate, yoga, music…

Monday, April 04, 2016

sleepytime gorilla theatre

So baked I can barely think at all.  I was up all night last night because I had forgotten to renew my seroquel and was out.  So now I feel all messed up, in addition to the gastric issues.
  I keep coming back to that other idea we might have had, people getting together and putting together things that make more sense most of the time.  
  I so wish that comes out as something.  Perhaps I should stop taking the statin.  On the other hand, I am thinking of ....  I guess all I have to do today is karate, which will be something of a test.   People sit around and debate each other, come around and see each other again, and find some kind of sun shining around the corners, so it is good to be in the land of the living.  
  The typing of words one after another, none of them really making any sense.  The ideas, characters, doctrine, nervousness, and thinking of K looking back at me from her bicycle, and looking into my eyes.  “something inside you is feeling like I do, we’ve said all there is to say” and so it goes.  Putting my day down in words seems like a thing I can do to make myself concrete during the day.  Visions of J in the future (i hope)  and all of that wonderfulness coming and going.  A way to put things on party line and communicate somehow our line of being, of being calm in the short term, acting bored and breathing deeply during our moments of trial and other amenities.  
  I should go home and start reading Les Miserables again, or some other chapter of some book.  Hard to say, and the dull day goes on, shielding myself from the crowds here in the coffee shop.  So that is how it is, and we can hardly hope to do more.

  Last Wednesday at Bombs some lame jazz group was playing and S came in and started dancing, nice hat on, and then we all got somewhere, piling our ideas over ideas and seeing the whole bleak length of days.

  Nice weather today.

Saturday, April 02, 2016

high class

true story:

So I went to an NA meeting in Philomath and my sponsor was there, I guess I liked him as a sponsor because it seems like he was quite a fighter, I mean, in the past.  So anyway it was get something for your sponsor day and I asked him what I could get for him and he laughed and said after a while, “I guess you could get me some high class prostitutes.” and laughed.  He runs a fence making company in town.  Honest guy now.  He made the fence between me and the neighbors.  That was an epic scene.

Friday, April 01, 2016

phone conversation

 I call my bro on Thanksgiving, I’m down in SF at aunt’s place in …somewhere.  He knew I was going down to meet her so he sounded a bit pissed at what might happen, and did (sleeping together)….but anyway…it was not a very long conversation.  He agreed it would be really great to see joe and bill (not real names)  and those guys, but when I said my girlfriend wasn’t with me, he said “hey, we’ll get together next time, chris” ….so he knew the direction… So anyway, I asked if he was still doing Hsing-I…other stuff, avoiding the subject of Adi Da, and finally I told him to keep playing guitar and he laughed, so it’s all cool, joe was up at his place recently ..my other questions were just frustrating to him.  I asked if he went anywhere and he started to say "yeah I go everywhere...or something to that effect, and then he's frustrated and says "no I don't go anywhere" so he knows the deal.  I can't go anywhere without a woman.  I mean, I could go somewhere, but why?  And how much fun would be going alone?  I guess John and I might try another day hike.  I guess my good friend surfs a lot too, so I hear.  Trust fund kid.  Gifted guitar player.  Became very good at martial arts very fast.  I remember he said "I tried.  He's probably got followers he doesn't need too.

The date with her was a total trip.  What a gifted person, psychically, musical, stuck from our same experience..

Thursday, March 31, 2016


  So beyond that, not a lot happening.  Same old but more of everything except karate, which remains mind-knumbingly repetitive, not too exciting.  So beyond that if I could somehow have a good effect on the whole jihad thing, and general make more principles of good behavior, or somehow enable people to get more justice, I’d do it.  The current situation is waaaay fucked up.
  I'm watching season two of Fargo.  Great show.  Then there's Broad City about a couple of broads in the city, not able to take anything seriously, and then TPB, of course, and something else...so many good movies.  I should watch Carlito's Way again.
  And maybe some of those awesome japanese films directed by...forget his name.  Ozu.  Some good films..I can understand a few of the words....need to work on my Spanish too.
or speak it.
  Doing karate together must be somewhat similar to dancing together..... something I haven't experienced, but I understand it's done.  Togetherness is so important...for happiness.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

minding my own business, getting baked

 As for now, the idea being, last night or the one before I was sitting in central park, 2am, minding my own business, getting baked, and this guy is walking up from downtown with two dogs, both off lease, one a pit bull, and they come at me, or one did, so I stood up and scared him off, and then the guy says something about how they’re nice, and I explain clearly that the problem is I’m getting disturbed, not anything else, and get upset, and then he’s saying something…..so the point being, he was just sizing me up, checking me out, maybe a gangster…but a very cool guy!  Latino, little mustache….. anyway, then I apologized for getting so upset…then he thought I was cool and I was like, “hey, where you going?” like we were friends already.  Karate can do that for you.  Somebody tries to throw a shock at you, and if you don’t get rattled they’re impressed and you’ve met a new friend…..maybe.  Depending on the person…but that’s one channel I have that others don’t maybe.  Sometimes people are just messing with you, one’s you’d rather not meet.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

ivory tower

I remember going over to ward once...didn't really know the guy in college, that is to say, he was living there and Barrington previously, but the point being, I walked over to Ward from Barrington, and everybody had gone elsewhere to do something, I guess, and he was sitting there staring at a Mac Plus, I asked him what was going on and he was like, "they all took off, I'm trying to write this paper." like very matter of fact.  The dude knew a lot about music, good guitar player, I didn't really know at the time ....but ...but yeah a certain attitude and kind of the usual bullshit going on, while trying to get decent grades.