Wednesday, February 10, 2016

wandering through the forest

So another day starting out, drinking espresso at the beanery, wondering and waiting, thinking what I might do, or not do, today.  I pulled some more grass out of the front, finding some flowers underneath starting to grow.  It’s good I started this gardening way back, because there are still things to do, and yet the problem being I don’t know how the watering is going to go.  So that’s a factor.    So apart from that, there’s not much going on.  More music practice, smoking a bit of weed, more music, karate, yoga.  Thursday I have yoga then karate, and the next day wake up feeling great, sore from the muscles and tendons that yoga seems to work out, and then the usual karate way of strengthening and alignment.  So that’s okay.  I seem to be writing here more for the benefit of people reading it, rather than thinking I am not going to be having anyone else reading this.
  Obviously I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t think I had anything to say.  As of now, things being what they are, not sure where to go with the propositions.  Maybe buy more dried fruit, go over to the north co-op in hopes of meeting somebody.  That’s pretty much a much used trope, going to the store mostly to check out the women, rather than being focused on actual food you want to buy, so that’s me, getting caught up in the stereotypical guy actions.  Maybe I should try hanging out in the parking lot and smoking cigarettes.
  I’ve been feeling pretty positive about life recently, partly because the music is going well, but also the hour a day of gardening or weeding or house maintenance makes me feel like I did something real or useful that day, a substantial thing, 

  I sure hope I don’t lose it again.  My family and friends don’t need that, that is for sure.  I got pretty depressed around August, realizing I messed things up again, but really I didn’t do anything beyond some inappropriate postings …but man I had some hard days.  I remember one day where I thought …who knows what, but I was at 7-11 and these super weird two guys were getting beer….who knows.  Sometimes this force comes down on me and I feel almost like I’m smelling the sulfurous fumes of the devil. But I just can’t say whether my feelings of fear were real or not.  A second opinion would be good.  In any case, I ended up in August with very little money, and got pretty depressed, and so I finally came up with the idea of continuing with yoga, so I did that.  It was time to get started with that…46 isn’t young, but I can do most everything due to the fact that I have done a lot of stretching over the years.

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