Monday, February 04, 2013

thoughts and Neitzsche

Thinking of my life, and how it has been going the last three months or so...I've been pretty stressed, seeing things that I didn't like, seeing people that seemed dangerous around town, and did the impression I have match with reality?  I'm going to assume that it did.  I've met a lot of people, a lot of good people, or people that have good qualities, and that is in some kind of contrast with the nastier people in the world...but the fact is, does what is going on in my mind really correspond to the world and how it is?  I think it does, because I get feedback from real people, who value my judgements and observations, but maybe haven't gone through precisely what I have gone through.  On the other hand, I think a lot of people, older people, have gone through getting stressed out like me, from who knows what.  I don't want to go into the details, and it is hard to see what about me would appear that interesting.  I guess a quality of me that is pretty interesting is that, for one thing, I'm kind of in my own little world, and on my own schedule, and for another, I'm not really seemingly connected with an identifiable group of peers.  But I got to where I am through some painful processes, through trying hard to make it in the working world, through having to go into the mental hospital at various times...the first time being back in Berkeley, when nothing seemed to make sense, but I did have friends that cared what happened to me, and I appreciate that....and over the years, slowly gaining some self confidence, finding some groups outside karate..finding people that meant something to me, that also might have been having issues, and trying to make sense through the personalities, and through trying to do the right thing and get through the hard points, to get to a place that makes sense.
  And as of now, I theoretically need to go out and get a job.  I guess I will volunteer at stone soup again, and at the homeless drop-in center, because I'm familiar with those.  Somehow shelving books at the library doesn't appeal to me.  I went over to the co-op to try to see about volunteering, and I mentioned stone soup, and the lady seemed to get really agitated with me, like she was making some unfortunate assumptions about me just because I'm working in programs that help the homeless.  People making judgements about me who don't really know me are kind of annoying.  For one thing, I don't have much to feel guilty about, having tried hard my whole life to improve as a person.  And furthermore "ye who has no sin on his hands, cast the first stone" as bob weir said.
  It's good I have one roommate who seems to be doing well.  The other seems to be moving out.

Nietzsche, from "Thus Spake Zarathustra", "On Scholars": I am too hot and burned by my own thoughts, often it nearly takes my breath away.  Then I must go out into the open and away from all dusty rooms.  But they (scholars) sit cool in the cool shade: in everything they want to be mere spectators, and they beware of sitting where the suns burns on the steps....

I think of the above line when I think about why I'd rather do actual creative writing than try to write academic papers, or teach.  I never enjoyed teaching, whether it was trying to teach english, or karate,....that's about it ..but I seem to write stuff.


No comments: