I feel grateful

for being alive, and being able to enjoy the weather every day...so I hope these health worries go away.  I really have a lot of expectations for the future...a feeling that things may sort themselves out,..

Goldenhair

Lean out of the window,
  goldenhair,
for I heard you singing
  a merry air.

my book was closed,
  I read no more
watching the fire dance,
  on the floor.

I have left my book,
  I have left my room
for I heard you singing
  through the gloom.

singing and singing
  a merry air
lean out the window,
  goldenhair

 Maybe I’ll do a little karate before coming down to class, which will be when it is, but then there is the issue of the homeless dinner, and how that might fit in to what we know.  Okay, so one never really knows where to go, or what the issue might be, but the fact remains that there’s no issue that’s too short, for all that.

  I don’t seem much to talk about, but that being as it is, I cleaned out the fucking microwave and then did some vacuuming and something else…forget what it was, but keeping that place clean is going well enough.  

  So there you go.  Every interaction with her has been good, and yet I remain alone…so that’s what it might be, I suppose.

story

This is a little story sensei Graves told me at his 75th birthday party: we had driven down to go to it.  I asked him what's new and he looked a bit frustrated and then proceeded to tell me this story;
  He and another karate guy who quit long ago had gone up into some river on the inside stretch of Pacific coast in Canada...and they had come up to a waterfall and the engines were going full steam but the current was so strong that they were immobile....he had pictures.  That story could be interpreted a number of ways.

  I may as well go home and try to cook up the kale and collard greens that are slowly aging in the fridge.

Summit

1/20/16

  The gardening every day is really grounding me: the work every day seems like it will keep me from getting manic.....and maintenance...I'm committed to both.  If I get a woman she'll expect I can do shit and fix various appliances...it would be great to learn more about all these processes....

  But also I can protect her physically,  better than most...chicks love that.

  Felt a bit out of sorts yesterday because I hadn’t done any karate in a couple days, so I went through the forms in the garage, adding some yoga moves, or at least my stretching is better because of the yoga knowledge,…etc.

  So, at least I should take those two things seriously, as …

  But anyway, today I went out and did some weeding and then continued painting the bedroom wall…white primer …and over the purple that my ex-wife was painting just as she had to go into the mental hospital.

  But the deal beyond that is I’m learning more maintenance and gardening, and do all the cleaning, but that’s a way of paying back my mom for living there not paying rent.

  So, that’s super exciting. 

  So, seriously, the physical acts of gardening and maintenance, the tangible result, is really helping me keep my head together, because I can think what I did today, and will do tomorrow…..somehow sticking my hands in the mud and dirt, and taking care of plants, can be a lot of fun.

  Everyone seems to be getting older, everyone’s getting older.  I remember Alex asking me “how do you do that nothing going on thing?” ….maybe that’s my forte.  Seems normal to me….but really, things were live for a while during and before that Barrington squat, but how is that relevant to the here and now? It isn’t.  So, moving along, finally I’ve maybe been accepted as good, or realized as such, by a couple women, maybe more than a couple, around here.  Thanks for finally figuring that out.  But frankly, amazing women: I was completely unaware of their existence until I met Karen.  They’ve got a bond, and I’ve got some friends that I have a bond with, none of whom live in Corvallis.

  I wonder if my night walks from Nashville to Summit, mostly around April last year, pissed off any of the loser guys that there undoubtedly that think they have a harem of women because they're badass.  We can do better than that.  I read around about people that have lots of sex, and it seems like that would cheapen the experience... however it would probably make my stomach muscles stronger and burn off more calories.  my karate would be better...

  But I think I see something good in the future, but I worry about everyone every day..there's something in there, in the getting together of my Berkeley friends with Sarah and all those other beautiful women around here.  Can't do it alone.

  I gots to start eating better. 

    Reading about violence to women is upsetting…that’s for sure.  human trafficking and the like.. 

     I’m never going to buy a gun to protect myself.  That’s the karate way….That and endeavor to have a good feeling during reality (?)

relatives, including three sisters of my mom

me out in the trees!  Alsea area, with Mahogany, Reed, and a couple others.

album was late

"you want to know why the album was late?  We were waiting for whitey to get his fucking paper straight."

and then she was like....

"Stay the fuck away from my sister!"

I need an espresso machine that works.

thinks the salamanders had gone elsewhere, skip flagged down a semi and the octopi were too many to name.


"such a beautiful woman,"...he thought to himself....somehow got into more than she thought or something maybe who knows.

i'm nobody

I'm Nobody! Who are you?
Are you- Nobody- Too?!
Then there's a pair of us?
don't tell! they'd advertise, you know!

How dreary, to be somebody
how public, like a frog
to tell one's name, the livelong June
To an admiring Bog


-e dickinson

in winter too..

in winter too we traced the fields
and still felt summer joys
we sought our hips and felt no cold
cold never came to boys
the sloes appeared as choice as plumbs
When bitten by the frost
and crabs grew honey in the mouth
when apple time was past

we rolled in sunshine lumps of snow
and called them mighty men
and tired of pelting Bounaparte
we ran to slide agen
and ponds for glibbest ice we sought
with shouting and delight
and tasks of spelling all were left
to get by heart at night

and when it came- and round the fire
we sat- what joy was there
the kitten dancing round the cork
that dangled from a chair
while we our ...

-john clare

'prentice hand he made man, and then he made the lasses, ..

 So in the way people think of things, and how they react to circumstances, all of it very strange and in many ways tough, I suppose.  S was really trying to catch my attention and when I turned she smiled at me, like she decided I was okay.  So when that happens…means a lot.  So the fact of the matter, that E looked up at me from the keyboard after they said “one more!”.  Kind of emotional time for me, and that being where it is, we just don’t know the issues, how they came to be.  Maybe they have figured out how I became an subject of talk down in Berkeley.  It’s interesting how they could know anything about it, but Melanie saw Rebekah singing a song for me and looking happy (over the internet)  so that went over well.  Just finally after all this time, something was figured out to the positive, and how people can get along.

  So there is the plan somewhere, hard to implement at times because of the ways we get through, to find what we might be missing….a strange part and a strange ordeal, I would suppose.  So to get nervous about things, how those ideas might work, is a real light to the hope and ways we have known.

  So there’s not much to do today, or figure out that we would really know about.  Still, there’s something to it somewhere, some way through all of it.  Make the right choices and all that.

  The marijuana rationing is going okay, so that is what it is, and we can’t figure much out, get everything duly sorted somehow, and find maybe what we could elsewhere, become tired of the days and the weeks toward the world…we see and go through what we could, get an impression, get the sort we could figure out, go in the way we could, find the leadership issues, the hard ways of the world, the deal we can put together, and there is something there, and change we can figure it out, get through what we could, 
  Looking forward to growing some weed plants.

Big Outside

Watching big outside play their set of semi-reggae originals, nice to be there. nice to see nice people dancing around..  The walk down was nice too....kind of cold and a little rainy.  Lots of niceness all around, good to see.


Lake Isle of Innisfree

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree
and a small cabin build there, of clay and wattles made:
Nine bean rows I will have there, and a hive for the honey-bee;
and live alone in a bee-loud glade,

And I will have some peace there, for peace comes dropping slow
dropping from the veils of morning with crickets
midnight a glimmer, purple glow

I will arise and go now, for always night and day
I hear lake water lapping with low sounds by the shore
where I stand on the roadway, or one pavement grey
the deep heart's core...-Yeats.

If you live in glass houses

don't throw stones. (?)


some personal issues have been redacted from the text

I am, you anxious one

I am, you anxious one.  Do you not hear me
rush to claim you with each eager sense?
Now my feelings have found wings, and, circling,
whitely fly about your countenance,
Here my spirit in its dress of stillness
stands before you-oh, do you not see?
In your glance does not my Maytime prayer
grow to ripeness as upon a tree?

Dreamer, it is I who am your dream,
But would you awake, I am your will,
and master of all splendor, and I grow
to a sphere, like stars poised high and still,
with time's singular city stretched below.
-rilke

rosy fingered dawn

Boy, I'm borderline depressed today....probably because there was not a lot on my schedule, but also that we don't seem to have any opportunities to play gigs coming up, and Lori's great and a good addition but she'll be gone for a week, but either way, the fact of the matter is that each day the weather is different, every day is different, and I seem to spend each day gardening for an hour and then going down to the beanery, where I talk to Gary and that's about it these days, and I'm sure there's a few reasons why my life seems so event-free.  That because of the incinerating environment of the Barrington phenomenon and where it put me, I guess....mainly in the mental hospital.  But anyway, you remember who came and visited you later when you are thinking back....Alex came alone, Pete came alone, looking depressed, and then the Ward house people showed up together: Zappa, Tiffany, Vince, Colin, I think.

goldenhair

Lean out of the window,
  Goldenhair,
I heard you singing
  A merry air.

My book was closed;
  I read no more,
Watching the fire dance
  On the floor.

I have left my book,
  I have left my room,
For I heard you singing
  Through the gloom.

Singing and singing
  A merry air,
Lean out of the window,
  Goldenhair

Live each season

Live each season as it passes; breathe the air; drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influence of each.  Let them be your only diet, drink and botanical medicines.  Be blown on by all the winds.  Open all your pores and bathe in all the tides of nature, in all her streams and oceans, at all seasons.-Thoreau

wandering through the forest

So another day starting out, drinking espresso at the beanery, wondering and waiting, thinking what I might do, or not do, today.  I pulled some more grass out of the front, finding some flowers underneath starting to grow.  It’s good I started this gardening way back, because there are still things to do, and yet the problem being I don’t know how the watering is going to go.  So that’s a factor.    So apart from that, there’s not much going on.  More music practice, smoking a bit of weed, more music, karate, yoga.  Thursday I have yoga then karate, and the next day wake up feeling great, sore from the muscles and tendons that yoga seems to work out, and then the usual karate way of strengthening and alignment.  So that’s okay.  I seem to be writing here more for the benefit of people reading it, rather than thinking I am not going to be having anyone else reading this.

  Obviously I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t think I had anything to say.  As of now, things being what they are, not sure where to go with the propositions.  Maybe buy more dried fruit, go over to the north co-op in hopes of meeting somebody.  That’s pretty much a much used trope, going to the store mostly to check out the women, rather than being focused on actual food you want to buy, so that’s me, getting caught up in the stereotypical guy actions.  Maybe I should try hanging out in the parking lot and smoking cigarettes.

  I’ve been feeling pretty positive about life recently, partly because the music is going well, but also the hour a day of gardening or weeding or house maintenance makes me feel like I did something real or useful that day, a substantial thing, 

  I sure hope I don’t lose it again.  My family and friends don’t need that, that is for sure.  I got pretty depressed around August, realizing I messed things up again, but really I didn’t do anything beyond some inappropriate postings …but man I had some hard days.  I remember one day where I thought …who knows what, but I was at 7-11 and these super weird two guys were getting beer….who knows.  Sometimes this force comes down on me and I feel almost like I’m smelling the sulfurous fumes of the devil. But I just can’t say whether my feelings of fear were real or not.  A second opinion would be good.  In any case, I ended up in August with very little money, and got pretty depressed, and so I finally came up with the idea of continuing with yoga, so I did that.  It was time to get started with that…46 isn’t young, but I can do most everything due to the fact that I have done a lot of stretching over the years.

left handed monkey wrench

So here I am again at the beanery, wondering where things may go, ….. She must have been changing that around for my benefit, I sure hope, and she was smiling, so that is all good.  It seems to me that a big transformation can occur with the addition of a woman.  

  As for now, the world is not a bad place.  There’s no way I’m going down to the grateful dead jam again…that is to say, it was probably worth going last week because I got to see Jay Itsok do his thing with chord voicings and then Kevin or Keith, who could play some smoking jerry style notes….so it was worth going, but it really didn’t seem like a jam.  They sounded like a well rehearsed band.  Now if they just stopped playing china cat I’d be happy.  

  I’d be there every week if I lived in Eugene…

  So other than that, last night after I smoked a bit of weed I went deep into guitar playing, which often happens after I get stoned.  Mostly playing notes over JGB songs, but more variety than that, and then working on various songs.  I was sure happy I managed to lower the action on my Flinthill (made in China)….but there’s no way that should have happened.  In other words, it’s a cheap guitar, but I can get some good sounds out of it….and I put a pickup in it, which cost some money.  Still…. So beyond that, went jogging last night thinking my toe that I must have fractured on somebody’s knee was all better, but after jogging I realized putting that much strain on it wasn’t too good of an idea.  Anyway, in better shape than I’ve been in for a while, at least as far as karate is concerned.  Definitely the yoga helps, mainly with thinking about alignment and flexibility of course.

  It seems like yoga can turn into a way of life, a lot like karate....if you look at Krishnamacharya or Iyengar, it's clear it can be both healthy and good for the mind, and ...well, karate seems better for working out anger and other things within a class rather than going out and getting in fights.  So I often am so tired from karate that when I go out to see music afterwards I feel calm and tired, not likely to get angry.....not that I get angry a lot, ...need to work on that I guess.

  Incredible idiot that I was, I left my Yamaha acoustic by the side of the river....for some reason I thought i needed to get rid of it...well, I wasn't thinking too clearly.  That was a nice guitar.

All good things in all good time

I've been looking at my statistics for these blog, and I see the posts are getting read.  However, not sure if any of those are people I know..or they're just bots, or what.  No idea.  So leave a comment.

So we are happy to be in the situation we are in, and that is good.  I feel as if all this typing is finally getting me somewhere, increasing my facility with the written word.  On the other hand, I also need to get moving on the way to getting more learned with the new songs we are practicing as a group.  I think maybe I need to put an ad on corvallis noisemakers to solicit more people to join the band.  

  I went out and did more grass removal, which is quite a time consuming project.  I’ve been feeling better from the nausea, but there’s no telling how that will go.  It sure is a bit worrying that the issue goes on and on.  I never should drink alcohol again, because it’s a poison, for one thing, besides the issue with the ulcer, or diagnosed ulcer, and go from there.

   I kind of get bothered by all the time that has  passed since she made such an impression on me, but it’s partly my “fault” that I got delusional and manic, who knows why, but happiness about our interaction was always there, …why it lead to to my head issues I can’t say…..and besides that, it’s impossible for me to say if the impressions I got, particularly my feelings of fear, were real.  This last year I’d feel that way and then drive up to Nashville and walk up to Summit in the middle of the night….a very nice walk, and listening to those log trucks haul up the hill from Nashville was cool..and all the quiet, of course, and the rain.  So I don’t think those were bad experiences, definitely not, but the issue with fearfulness is not something that I know was real or not.  I mean, the feeling was real, but…. Anyway, another period of mania, posting people’s pictures on facebook that I never should have posted.    So I got a bit depressed around August when I stopped feeling manic…..there were really really bad moments in there too.  But anyway, I finally decided that I could take yoga and believe in doing that….definitely a good thing…with a good teacher.  So that and the karate are going well.  And music, and the gardening's become a thing I like doing a lot....and hour a day since December, mostly just weeding and other things.  I set up the makiwara in the garage, finally.

  In any case, everyone that’s anybody has me blocked on facebook, which is a good thing really.  The only way to go, talking to some people, is in person, and the temptation to look at their page was too much.  

  So today's a nice day.  Every day there's the weather to see and enjoy.

  Please leave some comments....

nothing changes fast

So the deal is that I couldn’t get in to the bob marley thing, capacity crowd, and so I went home, but frankly I was tired anyway.  I had a bad day with the nausea thing, kind of made me not want to do much, but John came over and then we sat around, playing some music, having some fun, so it felt okay, that I didn’t spend all day alone, so that was a good way to find some way to get out of the loneliness.  I was hoping to see her at this event, but I also knew that these things always tend to be less fun than I imagined them to be.

  So that is okay.  I went out and excavated the far entrance, got rid of the leaves and looked at the branches, did more grass removal in the end of the house, and so it all looks good, so that is good.  I need to come up with a good drip line system for the watering in the next summer….  It might be possible to do that cheaply, but I don’t know.  Life’s hard to figure out at times, and we keep trying to find some good ways to get to know things.  I feel like she is the one I want to be with, but who can really say?  All of these things add up to something, but I spend many days lonely, and somewhat bored.  Still, I hope and have to keep trying with the music, get it figured out, figure out the direction and the intensities of things.  So there we go, never really knowing our destination but hoping for something good.  

  Other than that, I have a good time today enjoying the quiet ambience of the super bowl day, everybody home staring at their TV’s, and the streets quiet and the people figuring out their day, quietly, and staring into the world, kind of changing in a slow and fast way, and the problems of the day and the problems of social interaction and direction.  So the point being, the way being there, it’s okay, but at the same time, will I find somebody I can live with?  Maybe her, but that’s an assumption, I guess.  Best guess derived from how my impressions go with the interactions we have had, but nothing changes fast, especially to someone with two children.

   I was thinking about buying a Tacoma acoustic but can't afford it....My Flinthill is really good enough, and I can get some good sounds out of it.

  
  

let down your long hair

  As for today, I will somehow manage to make it through all the hours of the day, kind of find a settling for that, a way to get peace and make things better, but who the heck knows.  In the end, we all become dust, make a strange coming together of the ways and means of our life….the changes coming and then gone, K who I have not seen in a long time, but the world is going on, changing, and we have issues trying to get things, to get on with things, find a way to let them settle, and in the end, we have a way of dealing.

  In the end, we fall if we have to, hopefully progress in a good and incremental way to the next ways of thinking or getting through, and remember to be grateful in the moment, change out lives out an be something more than I would have expected.  So that is something to keep in mind.  The strain of the lives of our selves, trying to get to goals and hopes that come up in the future.  

  So the colors come to me somehow, get a change or way of growing into a better way of being, a sort of connection being sought, a way of understanding being dealt and subject to a better way of things….never sure of the goals, subject to previous struggles, and axiomatic of some deeper truths.

The Queen of Hearts is always your best bet.

 It’s funny I have such a unique style to bring to the electric guitar, or acoustic, that it’s funny that nobody around this town, basically, has heard me play the electric the way I can… The years of practice are paying off.  Actually, I did it because it was fun, right from the beginning, and being in a band …well, the point was always to meet more people through music.  For years music for me was a completely solitary thing, and karate has always been more social, but apart from karate, music is pretty fundamental to who I am, I can tell when I’m relaxed and playing on to a melody.  I guess I wouldn’t want to give up either.

  It's also true that only recently have I been playing the electric so well.  I had years of practice playing a squire strat, but that was years ago......

a bit strange

 So things are a bit strange in that I woke up and got stoned, then it was raining so fucking hard that I had to put on rainpants, but now it has died down, sun through the clouds, literally.

  I went down to the jam in Eugene and didn’t have a really close idea of what it would turn out to be.  So apart from that, we hardly know what to hear…..all of the ideals are here and then gone.

  So people strain to figure out the way of things, and fail to do so, as the case may be.  

  So I got up, got stoned, and played a song or two before I left.  That was not so bad at all, a good time was had, and we all fling out the worst of ourselves, try to do the best we can, and then go from there.  People, or rather, everyone, is looking a bit older, and I don’t see any young people which is kind of depressing.

  On  the other hand, what exactly would make me happy?  I know as of now that I am a bit unsure of myself, and the body feels out of joint, so I should go home and do some karate, try to get aligned again.  

  All these things can make it hard as we go down the paths that seem right at the time.

  

  

What is man to do in the few days o

Losing enthusiasm in the guitar playing....not sure why, but partially ..actually the guitar playing is going great.  I've developed a great style, and have more versatility.

now I just need money.  

down at the beanery

The point being, suffused somehow, in an aura of innocent romanticism,  of this beauty was more than he could bear, especially as he was a fan of women...who understands the predilections of the male mind?  He was feeling somewhat loathsome and sorry earlier in the day, having seen the sweat off a Heineken....and received a mechanism in the ....forgot my train of thought.