hope

For some reason can't get moving

Sun and moon same time

I know they're watching us. Sun and moon same time. I bring the light. 

I suffer from uselessness and depression. Have been sleeping all the time, stressing about the littlest thing. Thinking I should write but not believing in myself enough to write. I simply am, breathing. 

 "yeah the green room" 

You own the dispensary.  You can't help me out with at least a penny?  I'd be happy if you'd give me a penny?  Then a fine looking lady went by.  "would you like to help miss lady?" The lady turned around and gave me a five dollar bill.  So you own a dispensary and you can't give me a penny?  

in two hours I made one hundred forty five bucks.  tomorrow I'm going to Winco.  I have two sings.  The second one says "the more you give, the more you shne..."

winter

The small wind wispers thro the leafless hedge

Most sharp and chill while the light snowy flakes

Rests on each twig and spike of witherd sedge

Resembling scattered feathers, vainly breaks

The pale split sunbeam thro the frowning cloud

On winters frowns below, from day to day

Unmelted still he spreads his hoary shroud

In dithering pride on the pale travellers way

211

 "There's also a lot of plays to be made around town, but they need legs, which I can't use anymore, says Mike, as he sits on his couch drinking 211.  Mike has a long history of being homeless, and although ...'damn, that was just like some tasteless goo, and you were stuffing your face like there was no tomorrow" says Mike to Amber.  Amber tends to eat a lot.  She's in a trance some of the time, or carries on dialogues with spirits we can't see.  Mike and Amber go back a number of years at the Julian hotel, downtown, and now they are both living here.  "Will Fred Meyer cash a $100 bill" says Mike, because he's always getting in some kind of trouble.  Somehow he's been kicked out of the local 7-11.  I got kicked out of there too, and it's been a trying circumstance for me.

Whatever.  Life goes on.  People try to figure things out.  Jesse goes on about angels and demons and how great his hiphop tracks are.

Sometimes I think I can see what no one else does, and then other days it seems that i have not an idea in the world, sort of like Mission in the Rain, by Jerry Garcia.

Mike stumbles around to do some great big move, like maybe get up from his chair.  Amber stands in the corner, stuck in her trance.  Jesse is humming along to one of his hiphop tracks.  I wonder where all this is going.  Maybe next month there will be nobody living here.  But I'm not getting any younger, and I have no money.  Still, if we wait all day, will it not be worth the wait if we detect some trace of the ineffable?

Amber fidgets in the corner.  Jesse is smoking on a cigarette.  I wonder what my crazy mind may bring to the next days, and try not to regret the lost chances or failed opportunities of the past.

Thoearu

 "If by watching all day and all night I may detect some trace of the Ineffable, then will it not be worth the while to wait?"

Guipai

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Following the tenet of good faith...and adhering to the principle of quality...

-yumekanau

RIP David Kush

Biggie

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fxATyB6t-QY

By the grave of my dear ones I long for to weep, among them to rest when I die

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FgUYHrcpm1c&list=PLNEf0emgk83ZFmyPlcQpLnFnDy7N9r8_l&index=5

Turnin' lame I'ma switch

 Details, details, details, trying to get the spelling right, trying to smoke a Swisher Sweet and not have 

Coming up with the boys on the long drive.

 House is calm, clean, and musical, and full of good cooking and discussions

Dianne,This is Ryan, Chris' neighbor.When last I spoke with you some years ago,

 

Chris Farrell <christopherfarrell@gmail.com>	Sat, Nov 14, 12:42 PM (23 hours ago)
to Collin

Dianne,This is Ryan, Chris' neighbor.When last I spoke with you some years ago, you advised me not to contact your son or to engage with him, but to contact you if I had any further issues.I have minded my own business living next door to Chris for 10 years, but things are getting out of hand next door and I would like to discuss with you what the next step is likely to be here.I have put up with musical jam sessions into the wee hours of the morning, passive harassment from your son on his porch, and frequent disturbances of all manner, but my patience is at its limit.For years Chris has had a stream of temporary house mates. I do not know the particulars of all these people, but my observation has been that he has rented out a room to someone for a few months, then something happens and they move, there is a period of time without anyone else, then the process repeats. Despite my personal opinion that this is very irresponsible (e.g. the poor Grad student some years back having his life upended), until recently these have been mostly average people conducting themselves in an average everyday manner and I have gone about my business. Something has changed.Chris is now running what I think could be characterized as a drug den out of his garage. There is a "Breaking Bad" type broken down motorhome camped out in the driveway, there is a constant flow of new and varied drug-using visitors who are either camping in the garage, or using it and the driveway as some sort of base of operations. I am making some assumptions here, but they are educated assumptions. It appears to me as though Chris is running his own personal homeless shelter and drug den out of the property.I pulled into my driveway a couple days ago while having to navigate my vehicle around a man hopped up on who knows what kind of drug "directing traffic" and interacting with all manner of things that were not there. I have observed this man living at the property for some months. A few days before that, a woman in the throws of some bad trip was screaming for hours while splayed out on the sidewalk, before returning to your property. Today I found a box of trash (alcohol containers, dvds, food containers, and other detritus) thrown into my yard as though it were a landfill. These are a few of countless recent examples and I have personally observed perpetual ongoing drug use on and around your property. The neighborhood has turned into a nexus of ongoing mental health crises and illegal activity. This is unacceptable.My wife no longer feels safe entering and exiting our front door. I no longer know who my neighbors are at any given moment. We live next to an elementary school. Neighbors on all sides have school aged and younger children. This is not the proper location for a halfway house.I will put this to you plainly. I wish to know what steps you intend to take to rectify this situation and I would appreciate some understanding of how you envision the future unfolding for Chris and this property, so that I may plan accordingly. A less than adequate response will force me to seek some other recourse.It would be better for you to somehow solve this situation and take measures to remedy it permanently, rather than leaving it to me to escalate through other channels. Your son has, apparently, had some paranoia about me for years and I, for years, have sought to transcend that by dealing with him in a respectful and straightforward manner and (since our last conversation) by not dealing with him at all. His paranoia is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy, however. There are no positive feelings left on my side of the property line, except that I can appreciate that this is a difficult situation for you.I am not an unreasonable person and have, I think, been a patient and accommodating neighbor thus far. At the end of the day, however, I must take whatever legal means are necessary to maintain the safety and wellbeing of my family. I will look forward to a response and hope you are willing to speak with me so I can better understand what to expect from my neighbors next door and, thus, act accordingly.Sincerely,-W. Ryan Buys,

Ice-T- Intro

Amber

 I am lucky enough to have met Amber.  I didn't even expect to meet someone like her but that's how life is I guess, as near as I can figure out.

the worst thing I've ever done

 The Worst Thing I've Ever Done

May 1990 I had been up for like three days because Patty had kicked me out and I thought everyone was talking about me, I was standing outside Patty's apartment building on Haste and Telegraph or Durant and Telegraph, I forget the streets after all this time, kittycorner from where the Mediterranean Cafe was anyway, and same block as Mo's Books and Cody's Books, and across from the Shakespearean book store and above another smaller but very nice book store, I was standing at the call box talking to Patty over the intercom, and she didn't want to let me in the building.  I was extremely tired and couldn't handle the feeling I was the center of attention, which seriously i probably was at that point but that's neither here nor there, ..the point is I couldn't take it anymore and so I used a front thrust kick (TM Shotokan karate-do in Nishiyama's lineage) to smash through the glass of the first door with my kick ass logger boots that I was the only one in Berkeley wearing, and the glass shattered and I stepped through, and someone yelled "Hey!" and I walked or run walked up three flights of stairs to her door and all I knew is that she was in there.  She was actually on the phone to her good friend in Los Angeles, and when I smashed through her door with another front thrust kick (tm Nishiyama Hidetaka 1939) it was the worst thing I have ever done, because she would have been seriously hurt if she had been right behind that door.  As it was she was about five or ten feet behind the door and her cat Mojo was in the bedroom or something.  She had a great place.  So yeah, she could have been hurt but she wasn't.  She started screaming and I went and sat down in the living room with the windows facing the hills and turned on my portable stereo.  Five seconds later two beefy cops show up and slam me to the ground, cuff me, and cart me downstairs while I scream for Patty, embarassing the hell out of her.  So I sit in the cop car for a while and the owner shows up and actually seems amused by the whole situation.  He's like "No Shit! Somebody smashed through two of my doors and there's not a bruise on her."  hehe.  That's the way it goes in the way of the women-obsessed.  She wrote me a couple postcards four or five months later when I was comatose in the hills north of Corvallis.  Patty was an art major but I met her when she was a waitress and graduated and working at a Japanese restaurant that was known as Joshuu-ya. She was squeezing out white towels and looked unhappy when I was working there and snarfing sushi while i washed dishes.  The sushi chef was there illegally, at least according to Patty.  It was a good place.  Good food.  She'd sneak me scoops of green tea in the back when nobody was looking.  Somebody's always looking however.  So anyway, nothing happened.  I destroyed some very fine glass and a very fine door and dead bolt.  None of which are living.  So seems like a big deal to me because I still miss her, but other people maybe didn't even know it happened at all.

  The police put me in Berkeley jail where I was doing secret ninjutsu hand formations, and they opened the door and did nothing to me, put the cuffs on and drove me to Highland Hospital, aka hell.  Then my dad drove down and broke me out of there.  He said we had to climb over a fence and go back to Oregon so we did.  You should have seen his eyes when he was staring at that Oakland map and trying to figure out the right routes to drive back from Highland Hospital in Oakland (now closed), to north of Cowvallis where I grew up.  In the hills.  We're basically hill people.  LMFAOAlmost.  When you are really confused and don't know where to turn, dad is there for you.  At least as long as he's alive. :(

willamette

Thursday, August 20 12:24am

Nada

at karate

It's Tuesday night and im at karate.

Scrolling and liking

 I'm scrolling and liking.

kumite 1976

https://youtu.be/jKQ2KS3qoLs

chocolate malted

an you imagine drinking a Pure Leaf right after a chocolate malted? Or a root beer on top of a piece of cake with icing?

tha street

Some days I think I should do something useful.

My Sisters and Brothers with The Deep Woods Band

~ ~~~~~

I started with Polish and then Russian and then started with Japanese because Shotokan is Japanese and reading Japanese is really difficult and requires hours and hours of study.

grass

Grass